Every parent has experienced receiving unsolicited parenting advice or a passive-aggressive comment from the old lady at the grocery store asking why you have to put socks on your baby. Most of the time we can just accept it, but sometimes someone says something about your parenting choices that requires a response. Here’s what to say when someone comments on your parenting, according to experts.
First, remember that there’s a difference between your friend sharing something that worked for them in hopes that it might help you, and saying something nasty that suggests it’s your fault.
“Good intentions are usually soft-spoken and don’t have an audience. People who genuinely want to help don’t need other people watching. Also, well-meaning people are more likely to share something from their experience, not just point out their mistakes,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind.
If a comment makes you feel diminished or embarrassed rather than supported, that’s usually a sign that it wasn’t made with good intentions, Hafeez said. Still, remember that most people around you aren’t trying to make fun of you. They may just be trying to be helpful and putting their foot in their mouth.
“In my experience, most unwelcome comments from others are not intended to hurt the parent,” says Bahar Linsler, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “People can mistakenly believe they are being helpful when clearly they are not. My advice to parents is to assume that unless it comes from a ‘frenemy’ or someone they have had a relationship with in the past, it is coming from a genuine desire to help.”
What to say when someone comments on your parenting
Unsolicited parenting advice usually comes from a desire to help, so you probably don’t want to shoot up the bullet and shut this person down completely. However, if you’re tired of hearing your mother-in-law say that your child shouldn’t drink soda or play with tablets, it can be helpful to keep some canned responses in mind.
Rinsler, Hafeez, and Melissa Paul, LCSW, founders of MLP Therapy Group in New York, recommend:
- “Thank you, we’re happy with how things are going!”
- “That’s one way to look at it.”
- “Thank you for your response.”
- “We’re thinking about that as we go along, just like everyone else.”
- “I’m really happy with our decision, but thank you.”
- “Thank you for your concern.”
- “I’ll keep that in mind.”
- “Thank you, but I can’t talk about it right now.”
- “That’s good food for thought.”
- “It’s an interesting perspective on what’s going on here.”
- “Oh, I’ll look into that.”
- “Thank you! We’re fine as is.”
- “I would appreciate it if you would not comment in front of (child’s name).”
- “Different families have different things to do.”
- “I have this.”
Once you’ve introduced one of these phrases, what’s next? How can you shift your focus away from your parenting choices?
“The easiest way to move on is to change the subject. Ask something about their life and let the moment pass. If the person really means well, there’s no harm in simply redirecting and everyone can move on without making it awkward. Sometimes, a moment of silence after your response is enough, because you don’t owe anyone a discussion about your parenting choices,” says Hafeez.
“Change the subject, focus on something else, and move on,” agrees Paul. “You don’t want to discuss parenting, so don’t do that. Focus on whose feedback you value and move on.”
Changing the subject line can be helpful if you want to maintain a good relationship with the other person. According to Rinsler, it doesn’t make the other person feel rejected and makes the atmosphere less awkward for everyone. If you keep getting the same derogatory comments from the same people, Hafeez adds, it’s time to have a direct conversation about how the comments make you feel. However, most of the time, changing the subject line and giving a short, kind response will subside the problem.
