I really hate the “no one told me this” mentality of parenting. Because parenting is almost always about someone else. absolutely I told them. But as my oldest son officially reaches the twin stage, I finally experienced some things I didn’t foresee, and it had nothing to do with her behavior, attitude, or eye rolls. (They are epic, though.)
I just want to know why my child can’t make decisions.
“I don’t know” is her favorite word. What do you want for dinner? Do you want black pants or blue pants? Do you go to the library after school?
Sometimes it’s as simple as me saying, “Can I hurry to the bathroom? Or should I go in there?” Sometimes it’s a big question like, “If you don’t get a drama class, what electives would you like to take next year?”
But no matter what, “I don’t know” is always her default answer. And it’s much more frustrating than I imagined.
“When I say ‘I don’t know,’ it usually means I don’t know, but I don’t want people to know that I know,” says Ariel Beilkin, LCSW. “To choose is to expose oneself. When teenagers choose something, they have revealed a preference, and that preference can be judged, rejected, or wrong. Freezing is often about risk management, not confusion.”
That makes sense. Even something as small as saying “I don’t know” to a dinner choice can mean they don’t want to tell you what they really want: a bowl of cereal. (It absolutely will, trust me.) Even when the stakes are the lowest, that word “I don’t know” can be a protective force.
Bailkin says kids this age also have a lot to choose from. “The stakes are determined by how public that decision feels. Choosing a lunch spot is low exposure. Choosing a class or joining a club is making a statement about who you are and where you belong. And in a competitive social environment, that’s quickly amplified. Indecision can be a way to opt out of it altogether.”
And, unfortunately, we never make it easier when parents (I’m speaking directly to myself here) get irritated or irritated by their teens’ indecision. Bailkin says treating indecision as a “problem to be solved” or “added urgency” raises the stakes. “Narrowing your options and lowering the cost of being wrong tends to be more effective,” she added.
Don’t forget about FOMO, especially in this day and age. “Saying yes to one plan means committing to missing out on something else. For teenagers who are sensitive to rejection, especially in kids with ADHD, that calculus is always running in the background,” says Bailkin.
good. I feel sick now.
But this is all developmentally healthy, and it takes time and experience for children to learn how to make decisions. This is a “terrible transition period,” says LMFT’s Alli Spots-De Lazzer. “For many years, children have often been guided by their parents, and the teen years provide a bridge to deeper self-ownership, decision-making, and ultimately independence, which can feel scary.”
She points out that whether teens realize it or not, everything is always in a hurry and busy, so the words “I don’t know” often linger beyond the deadline for kids to make a decision, and we, as parents, end up having to make the decision for them. “Even if you disagree, it can provide a sense of security and serve as a conscious or unconscious way to avoid the discomfort and responsibility that comes with growing up,” says Spotz de Lazer.
When our teenagers are toddlers, we think that the more choices we give them, the less likely they will fall apart. When they become teenagers, the more choices we give them, the more overwhelmed they seem. I once asked my teen, “Do you want me to help you make a decision?” A switch flips in her brain. And she was so overwhelmed by the idea of me making a decision for her that in the end, if she made the decision or if she said yes, I know that that’s something she just didn’t want to think about.
As Bailkin points out, “Teen indecision isn’t necessarily a lack of preference; often it’s when a child is doing math. What are they risking by making a choice, and is it worth it?”
Raising teenagers is very difficult. You want your children to believe in themselves and their instincts, but you also want them to know that they can rely on you when everything is difficult and they need help. You want your children to have autonomy, feel independent, and be able to make their own decisions, but you also know that they can easily become overwhelmed, just as they did when they were toddlers.
For now, keep asking them questions and let them decide. But know that when they say “I don’t know,” it doesn’t just mean that their frontal lobes are still developing, but sometimes it means a lot more than we realize.
