From kindergarten to college, we worry that our children will fall into the “wrong crowd.” These protective feelings can begin as soon as your toddler steps onto the train platform. Imagine watching an aggressive child hoarding a steam engine or ripping a wagon out of a child’s tiny hands. Who wouldn’t intervene? And you might even think, “That must have been the beginning of Bonnie and Clyde.”
Granted, we may all have felt the need to protect our children, although perhaps no one has ever actually thought of such a thing. And as kids move from tween to teen, those feelings grow stronger as toy train snatching turns into real-life bullying, exclusion, name-calling, peer pressure, and a host of other issues.
It’s natural to worry about the “wrong friends,” but let’s be realistic: there are many good kids out there. Your child may already have a friendship with them. So we asked experts to help break down the “green lights” — the positive signs — of healthy childhood friendships.
Here’s what to look for in your child’s friend.
they grow your child
It doesn’t matter if you are 6, 16 or 60. Good friends make us feel good. After being with friends, does your child smile, interact with family, and display positive behavior? These are green lights that they are building and becoming more confident.
He is an educational psychologist and author of “ Thrivers: The surprising reason why some kids struggle while others shine.
“It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out explanation,” she explains. “It could be a parent coming home and saying, ‘I had a great lunch with my friend. She really helped me grow, and I’m a lot happier because of it.'” You can do the same thing later, when you watch your child’s interactions. ”
stick to your child
Everyone goes through tough times, especially in middle school and high school. Is that friend there when your child is going through tough times, actively showing up and supporting your child? This may look like calling your child on a bad day or skipping school work on a bad day.
“The green light is, ‘Hey, they seem to be helping each other,'” Borba says. “Remember that friendship is made up of skills, especially polite behavior and character-based behavior.”
This may seem like a simple concept, but parents and teachers say that children struggle with this and need to practice these skills.
The key to this, Borba says, is to “issue cards in time for face-to-face interactions.” “This isn’t something on a screen. It’s real kids, so we can practice these skills. Because happiness and well-being are highly correlated, very highly correlated.”
they reciprocate
No one wants to do all the work in a friendship. Your child should receive as much as he or she gives.
“In a partnership, it’s more egalitarian, Borba says. “It’s not necessarily your child invading everything and making all the calls.” Sharing is the first skill we learn. “Now it’s my turn, it’s your turn.” That’s when you’re 3 years old, but I work with a lot of 12-year-olds who haven’t learned it yet. ”
This doesn’t necessarily mean that everything has to look visually equal. You probably spend most of your time together at home. that’s ok. It is more important that friends reciprocate in social and emotional ways. Both friends have started planning even if they can’t host. The balance doesn’t always have to be perfect, but it’s a green light for the child to continually feel seen and heard and receive thoughtful responses.
have something in common
Research shows that adolescents are more likely to form friendships when they recognize commonalities. This could be a shared interest like playing soccer, a personality trait like kindness, or a value like caring about schoolwork.
Therefore, if you can help your child find a passion like basketball, dancing, guitar, or painting, they are more likely to find good friends in that activity. This is why high school kids tend to form friendships based on clubs and sports.
Close friends are likely to value the same boundaries and standards as your family. This may include things like empathy, loyalty, respect for others, and taking school seriously.
“The more you model and value these traits, the more your child will want them,” explains Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell Medical College.
welcome more friends
With healthy friendships, other children can also participate.
Consider the “best friend” label and the exclusion that comes with it. This is an area where elementary and middle school students really struggle to maintain intimacy while maintaining other friendships. If a relationship becomes too exclusive, jealousy, competition, and pressure to choose sides can increase.
“These are all normal human reactions,” says Dr. Saltz.
This feeling is normal, but the most important thing is to help your child understand how to deal with it and develop healthy friendships.
“Allowing yourself to be manipulated into an intensely controlling relationship is a problematic model for future relationships, as is being the dominant one,” she says. “So talk to your child about the importance of balance, that relationships aren’t all or nothing, and help them navigate the language without getting too intense.”
If your child and their friends welcome others into their circle, that’s a green light.
they speak positively about other children
The way children talk about their peers provides insight into their friendships. It’s a red flag if your friendship relies on gossip, badmouthing others, and distancing yourself from others. If your friends talk bad about other kids, chances are you’ll soon start talking bad about your own kids as well.
Additionally, it teaches your child that intimacy comes from negativity and control. This unhealthy pattern can continue into adulthood, impacting future work and romantic relationships, and possibly leading to isolation, depression, and other problems.
“Talking to your child about the things that really matter, like friendships, life, and lifelong relationships, can really help your child gauge their own barometer,” Saltz says. “But you also have to walk the path…It doesn’t matter what you say. They’re going to pursue what you pursue. If you show them what you value and why you do it, it’s going to have an impact.”
