It’s the things I yell at my kids, the things I beg them to do, the things I whisper to them when I’m totally overstimulated and trying. So I said this without losing my cool. “Read. Room.”
Let’s be honest, many of us have had to say this to an adult we know, whether it’s a vocal friend or a baby boomer parent, but it can be even harder to say it to your own children. Because, how do you teach situational awareness? How can you effectively tell a child who still needs help mopping that “now is not the time”? What about older children? There’s a layer of “reading the room” mentality that teaches children that the world doesn’t revolve around them, and it can sometimes feel like criticism disguised as a lesson.
But in the words of Bandit Healer, it “has to be done.”
One parent took to Reddit to ask how other parents are teaching their children this valuable and necessary lesson. The original poster (OP) wrote on the Parenting subreddit, “My 5-year-old son is a typical child: bright, sensitive, intelligent, and also self-centered. I want to explain situational awareness and understanding the atmosphere in a room, but in a way that doesn’t involve yelling or yelling.”
They went on to describe a specific moment when their 5-year-old son kept coming into the room and begging to play, even though they had to deal with the baby’s diaper popping and clean the baby in the bath.
“Sometimes I just want to say, ‘Read the room!'” What phrases or methods can I use to teach him to do this when he’s older?
What is situational awareness?
Did you know that you gauge the “vibe” as soon as you enter a room? That’s situational awareness. When you’re super excited and excited to tell your best friend something at a restaurant, but when you walk in and see that they’re really upset about something, you’re deterred. Or when you want to have a serious budget conversation with your husband, but when you see him stressing about fixing the lawn mower, you realize now is not the time.
And I can also understand why anyone, especially young children, would have a hard time watching all this. Children are narcissistic. I don’t mean that in a mean way, but they are just responsible for their own needs at the moment, and they have to learn to think of others, help others, and be aware of situations. And they learn through us.
Why is it important for children to learn situational awareness?
Not only is it important for your child to be able to “read the room” and develop empathy and patience, it’s also essential for you as a parent to maintain your own sanity and do a million other things at the same time. A child with zero situational awareness is likely to be a child who feels frequently scolded, ignored, or criticized because they often hear you losing your mind when they interrupt you in the middle of the shower to ask for goldfish crackers.
Again, we all know there are millions of adults who have yet to learn this. Probably because they were never told to do so by their parents. Honestly, “read the room” sounds like the most obvious phrase to say to your child when you’re trying to get their attention to yogurt in an emergency, or when they see you elbow-deep in laundry and ask if you can drive them to the library right now for a project due tomorrow. But as the OP pointed out, the default reaction to this is often for parents to yell, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” or “Look at what I’m doing and ask yourself if your request is necessary in this moment.”
no? just me?
The problem is that asking your child to “read the room” means you’re probably in a moment of extreme overstimulation. There’s baby poop everywhere, dinner is boiling, the dog just came out, or a heavy family moment is happening while you’re on the phone. Maybe this week has been even more stressful, busier than last week, and your child doesn’t understand it at all (because you’re a good parent and have shielded them from stress). But children need to.
5 tips for teaching children situational awareness
It sounds like a lot of work, but honestly, a lot of teaching your kids how to “read a room” is just normal parenting stuff you’re already doing.
- Teach children what an emergency is and to only suspend if an emergency occurs.
- Remind them of their own senses and ask them to identify what they see and hear. Is now the right time to ask for something based on what they can see and hear?
- Rather than telling them what to do — “I’m about to knock over that bowl, could you move it for me?” — ask if those around you are aware of the problem. This gives them the opportunity to use their own critical thinking to strategize.
- Giving them an arm hug or a pat on the elbow as a way to acknowledge that you know they need you will make them feel better knowing that you asked for what they need. And you’ll work on it when you can.
- A reminder of how important it is to “observe” before speaking. Sometimes it’s enough to simply look around the room and note what’s there before you move on to what you need.
Like a lot of social etiquette, it actually requires a certain amount of understanding and a lot of “Oops, I missed that mark. Try again.” How many times have you said something and realized the moment it came out of your mouth that it was the wrong thing to say? Or have you been so excited about something in your head that you interrupted a friend or entered a space with a completely different atmosphere than the situation called for? It happens.
But if we teach our children patience, how to notice the world around them (and other people’s facial reactions and cues), and how to empathize with people and situations, we can hopefully avoid screaming, “Hey, are you serious now?” When someone asked if they could have McDonald’s for dinner while changing a flat tire on the side of the road.
