There’s something really wild about how much parenting changes once a child becomes a teenager. While you’re still driving them, helping them with their studies, buying them new clothes, they spend their entire lives outside of you. This is especially true when it comes to friends. Now, when your child is invited to a birthday party, you don’t have to worry about making sure they take a nap beforehand or asking a million questions about who they are. I just drop her off at her best friend’s house and tell her to text me when she’s ready to pick her up.
But would you still help buy a birthday present?
There are a lot of opinions and ideas about birthday gift etiquette. Don’t open presents at parties do Don’t open presents and give nothing at the party. No one wants to have more junk in their home. What are you, you idiot? course You have to give gifts over and over again.
But what about teenagers who have a little more freedom in parenting? A parent asked this question on Reddit after noticing that her 11-year-old son received gifts from everyone at his birthday party, but her 14-year-old daughter did not.
The original poster (OP) wrote, “We had two parties with two very different experiences, and now I’m really curious as to why. It’s not about being greedy. I’m just curious about the social differences!”
OP said her 14-year-old daughter “didn’t receive any money, and she didn’t buy any presents. There were a couple of handmade things, like little inorganic drawings on cardboard. It was nice but weird. She had six girls around her age, some of them from wealthy families. “They were part of the family. I’ve been there before for their birthdays and brought them presents. While the party was at my house, they ate, painted pots, planted succulents, had a little spa day, and received gift bags.” I wrote.
Meanwhile, their 11-year-old son threw a party at a bowling alley, invited six friends, and was met by eager gift-givers who implored him to “open mine first!” And generally excited about giving gifts.
OP wrote, “I’m so glad the kids were guests, had fun, and didn’t focus on the presents. They’re happy, and I’m happy. I don’t have any ill will toward the kids or the parents who don’t have presents. I’m just…confused.”
Is this a boy vs. girl thing, the OP wondered, or is it about the age of the child?
To be honest, I think I’m a little like the OP. It would seem weird to me if my daughter invited a bunch of friends to her birthday party — and at 14 years old, if she invites only 6 friends, I think these are them the best Her friends were there, but she didn’t receive any presents. Again, I think someone either didn’t have time to get it, forgot to get it, or just didn’t have the funds.
Many parents felt the same way when the Reddit comments came in. But there was one theory above all else. It’s just that teenagers are teenagers.
“In my experience, at that age, it’s ‘your presence’ and the girls are just happy to be able to spend time celebrating together,” one commenter said.
Another commenter wrote, “I think it’s because of age. Teens are often responsible for managing their own schedules and social interactions. Maybe their parents didn’t even know they were coming to the party, or maybe at age X they’re responsible for getting presents for friends’ parties, or they only get presents for bigger parties (sweet 16 year olds).”
“Parents also tend to be less hands-on with their teenagers. An 11-year-old’s parents almost certainly bought him a present. A 14-year-old’s parents probably told them to take good care of it…well, they didn’t,” added another parent.
Some other comments pointed out that at this age, presents can be things like handmade friendship bracelets, bags of candy, and small trinkets. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a big gift or even need wrapping.
When you think about it, buying something for a friend’s birthday seems like something that requires planning and budgeting for teen parents. Just like you might give your teenager a hygiene allowance or “fun money” to spend with friends, you might want to give your teenager certain restrictions on what gifts they can buy each time they receive an invitation to a birthday party.
Or maybe you just need to let your teens do what they like.
Several commenters asked if the parents of the other party guests actually knew it was a birthday and not just a playdate, which once again highlights how involved parents need to be in their teens’ lives.
“When I was 11, I was still reminding my kids to remember their presents. Even now, at 14, people often tell me that I remind them, but they’ll come up with it themselves. And I’ve realized that it’s more common for teenagers to give presents that they’ve made themselves. So…this seems normal to me,” added another.
I think it’s safe to assume that this was just an incident, especially since OP’s daughter was happy with her birthday party and didn’t care that her friends didn’t bring her presents. Different teens may have different ideas about birthday presents, and obviously different parents do different things. But considering how many teens feel lonely, we think the best gift of all is to have six of your best friends together for a fun birthday party.
