In a world that increasingly demands “analog” activities, when your teen tells you they want to do something that doesn’t require a screen, they’ll probably jump at the chance to sign up. Soccer, dancing, pottery – who cares? Where is the link? What time do I need to get there? Once you find something your child likes, you’ll do almost anything to keep them excited about it.
But what if the thing they love is expensive and wastes you and your resources? What if your child loves it but doesn’t get a scholarship and isn’t very competitive about it? And what if they want to continue this hobby…but what if they also want to start another expensive hobby?
Break out your hives.
One parent asked about this very scenario on Reddit. On the parenting subreddit, the original poster (OP) shared that her oldest daughter is a freshman in high school who has been figure skating for six years. I have a rink and a private coach near my home, but I felt a rink with a private coach 30 minutes away would be a better fit. She skates an hour before school two or three times a week. (I’m tired just reading this.)
“I have two other children, and both my husband and I work,” OP explained. “When you wake up at 5 o’clock, get ready, leave by 6:30, get to the rink by 7, leave at 7:45, drop her off at school by 8:30, and then go to the office, you feel like you’ve lived a full day before you get to work. And when you add in the ice and the coach, it’s a few hundred dollars a month.”
OP said her child loves skating but has “never gotten to the point of being competitive,” and that her daughter agrees that this expensive and time-consuming hobby is just exercise and fun. It’s not important enough to include on a college application, and OP says her daughter isn’t working hard enough to progress or be competitive.
She literally loves it and wants to keep doing it.
“But she also loves theater and is an honor roll student. She wants to take voice lessons to improve her role in the school musical. I feel like her skating is emotionally and financially draining. I told her to quit now and try again someday.” I suggested we do it again, but she started crying and refused. I’m at the point where I’m refusing to fund her as a vocal coach unless she pauses skating,” OP wrote, posting on the internet for advice.
Huh.
Does your child want a new hobby? wonderful! Does your child already have a time-wasting hobby and you don’t want a new, expensive hobby? Hmm. The problem is that no one wants to tell their child that they can’t continue doing what they love, and it’s clear that everyone is allowed to have a hobby that they love, even if it doesn’t help them “progress” academically or financially. Hobbies like ice skating are a great way to stay active and can give OP’s daughter a lot of confidence and a lot of joy, and they’re worth their weight in gold.
but.
But, but, but.
When it comes to money, it’s not just an expensive hobby. time-expensive. And sometimes that’s more worrying than money flying out of your account.
One commenter wrote, “It seems crazy to me to commute that much and spend so much money on what is primarily her hobby. Of course hobbies are important, but this seems like a huge sacrifice for the entire family.”
“Hobbies are things people do in their free time. I would never wake up at 5 a.m. for someone else’s hobby,” said another parent.
Many parents suggested that if OP’s daughter wants to try voice lessons, she needs to be aware that ice skating may need to be modified, saying that perhaps weekend and evening skating could be an option, and several parents suggested that OP’s daughter start earning money to help cover the cost of lessons.
Many commenters on Reddit were also quick to point out that asking someone to stop doing a hobby they love is a horrible thing to do.
“It’s perfectly fine to play a sport just because you love it, rather than to compete or get into college. At my daughter’s age, girls often drop out of sports, so it’s amazing that she found a sport she loves. I don’t know what opportunities that will lead to,” one commenter wrote, suggesting that her daughter might find a way to fundraise for monthly expenses or find other skaters to ride with her to the rink.
My personal favorite piece of advice?
“This is really tough because it’s not that she’s being unreasonable, it’s not that you’re unreasonable either. Rather, it’s that the current situation is not sustainable for your family,” the commenter added. “I think the most helpful change in a situation like this is to frame it as, ‘Right now, I only have time, money, and energy for one big job,’ rather than thinking, ‘I have to stop skating.'”
Because, let’s be honest, if you can find a way to give your child exactly what they want, you’ll do it over and over again. But we all have limits and breaking points. If other children are involved and the dynamics of the whole family need to be considered, it’s time to talk.
