A lot has changed when it comes to raising teenagers, but I think one big thing has remained the same over the generations: punishment. When I was a teenager in the early 2000s, when my mother was a teenager in the 1970s, when my grandmother was a teenager in the 1940s, it was always good punishment to cut off one’s own teenagers from what they loved most: their social life. Closed for 2 weeks? Being 16 is a literal tragedy. No AOL for a week? You might as well send me into space because I’ll never recover from FOMO.
And now we take away children’s phones completely. For some teens, it’s a lifeline to hobbies, entertainment, and friends. And by bringing it up, you can quickly see your point when they fail.
However, one Instagram user said that while it may seem like the right option at the moment, it’s not an effective strategy for actually teaching children a lesson.
The account @mom.outofoffice shares parenting tips and strategies, and her statement was clear in a recent reel. Cutting kids off their phones isn’t just about cutting them off from screens and distractions. In fact, cutting your kids off their phones can feel like cutting them off from part of the world.
Have you ever noticed how defensive your teen is about having their phone taken away? Why do conversations stop completely and they seem moody and withdrawn? So was this mother. “Rude tone? A phone call. Didn’t follow the rules? A phone call. Endless fights with your brother? A phone call. And yes…it ‘worked’ right away.” They stopped right away. But that didn’t suit me. Because while the action stopped, so did the conversation. They became silent and defensive and I ended up feeling like the worst mother in the world,” she wrote in the caption.
She points out that taking away a child’s phone often feels like cutting them off from the world, but the consequences don’t match the action. Are your siblings constantly fighting? Please take a breather, take a walk, and then come back. Are you not following the rules you set for your family? Ask them why they think they can get around the rule, and tell them why it’s important and why they should follow it. Rude tone? Tell them why it’s not okay and ask them why they felt like they reacted that way.
She shared in the caption that everything felt better after making these changes. “When I think I need to restrict access to my phone, I say it up front and explain the boundaries. That way there are no surprises next time. And the energy in my house has changed: less shutdowns and resentment, more real conversations.”
It has been proven time and time again that just shouting “I said so!” doesn’t work. Alternatively, presenting ultimatums and harsh consequences without any discussion will not help children learn anything at all. If you want your children to follow rules, be respectful, and work hard on impulse control, you need to talk to them about it and understand what the problem is.
Just like snatching a toy from the hands of a toddler who is overstepping boundaries, ripping a toddler’s phone away won’t get the reaction you want. You can just gently say, “Hey, can we take some device-free time to talk about this for a second?” It goes a long way in making each other feel better about the situation.
A broken screen or no-phone time is important, but it may not be if it’s done in the heat of anger or frustration.
