Sometimes I realize that my oldest son only has five years left before he goes to college. And while it’s scary enough to think about her leaving the nest and going out on her own, it’s also scary to think about money, like groceries, gas for the car, and school supplies. We have already talked to her about scholarships and how they can help you get into your desired university as well.
But what happens if your child gets into their dream school…and there’s no way to pay for it?
One parent said on Reddit that he has a “high school senior who has unrealistic expectations for college.” The original poster (OP) explained that her senior daughter applied to 13 different colleges, but her dream school costs about $80,000 a year and is about 3,000 miles away. “She doesn’t have the best grades and never applied for additional scholarships or found additional money,” the OP writes. “Now she’s congratulating herself on getting accepted to the best school she got into, but upset that it’s not realistic for her to graduate college with nearly $300,000 in debt (with a $3,500 annual scholarship!).”
OP added that while it is definitely an option for her daughter to attend a school closer to home and receive the same education for less money, her daughter is “sad that things don’t turn out the way she wanted. She tells her mother, ‘I’m sad that my family can’t pay the school fees.'” OP said their child is great, interested in lots of clubs, and is a good teenager. “But maybe I’m spoiling her a little too much and she has unrealistic expectations. The unrealistic expectations and lack of motivation and understanding are very upsetting to me.”
Weft. got it. So how do we deal with this?
Perhaps our first reaction is to scold our parents. Why did you let her apply there in the first place? Of course, many things could have happened. OP’s daughter could have received a scholarship, maybe her application would have prompted the admissions office to offer additional financial aid, maybe she wouldn’t have been accepted at all, and that would have been easier than being accepted and having to decline. We don’t know that.
However, while it’s great that any child can pursue their dreams, it makes me think about what happens when dreams don’t come true due to boring reasons such as lack of funds.
“I think it’s okay for her to be disappointed and express it, as long as she shows respect and doesn’t make demands. It’s hard to deal with when you first realize that ‘doing your best’ and ‘believing in yourself’ aren’t actually enough to make your expensive dreams come true,” one commenter wrote.
“She’s allowed to be disappointed that she can’t go to her dream school. Who doesn’t? And she’s allowed to be sad that you guys can’t pay for it (even if you don’t feel guilty about not being able to go). Let her be sad.” Give her a hug and tell her that you’re disappointed that she can’t be there and that the cost is keeping her from being able to afford it. And leave it at that. There’s no need to fix it or change it.
“She was probably the first to realize how expensive things are and that most people can’t achieve everything they want. It’s okay for her to be disappointed,” another woman added.
Some commenters pointed out that OP should have talked about college costs up front. OP replied, “We’ve been talking about this since 7th grade,” and argued that if the child really wanted to attend that school, they should have made an effort to figure out how to get in beforehand, such as applying for scholarships, getting better grades and test scores, and fighting really hard to get in.
Many of the comments suggested possible compromises, such as attending a community school for two years and then moving to a more expensive university. Or they might find an in-state school that OP’s daughter likes (OP is in New Jersey, and while none of the in-state schools are free, they say they’re cheap) and go there for at least a few years and see if she wants to transfer or go to a better school.
My favorite advice comes from university professors and university staff themselves.
“The professor is here. Please tell her the following.” average Undergraduate debt in the United States currently stands at about $29,000. This equates to a monthly payment of $350 for 10 years, which is more than enough for most people. One commenter said they probably shouldn’t have agreed to borrow more than $50,000 to get a BA or BS degree, adding that it would be reckless to do so, adding that at the private university where they work, tuition is about $75,000 a year, but only “rich kids” pay that money, lower-class kids with good grades get financial aid, and middle-class kids with average grades get fewer benefits.
“Just an observation as someone who teaches at a university. The idea of ’dream schools’ is rarely about the quality of the academic program, but often about the college experience they imagine, which is mostly just good marketing,” another added.
Many parents also said that it doesn’t really matter which school their child attends. Education is education, and it depends on what she wants to do and become. Would you go to an expensive school out of state to get a “regular” degree? It seems ridiculous. Graduate school can also be your dream school.
We all want our children’s dreams to come true. And there’s nothing worse than telling your kids that no matter how hard they try, something isn’t working…especially when they’re about to depart into the real world. But communicating openly about your financial situation and expectations is always helpful. Also, remember that it’s okay to feel sad. OP’s daughter did nothing wrong. She is disappointed in the situation and wishes there was a better outcome.
And so is the OP.
