“Welcome to the sandwich generation,” a friend sadly told me a few years ago when I described the difficult task of juggling young children, work, and caring for elderly family members. I had never heard this term before, but I immediately felt a jolt of recognition. What I experienced had a name! I was even more surprised to learn that approximately 23% of American adults identify themselves as members of the sandwich generation.
To be honest, I never thought I would reach this stage in my life. When my husband and I returned to our hometown of Seattle from Europe in 2017, I was a new novelist celebrating the release of my first book. We had an infant and a toddler. We moved to live closer to family. My husband’s parents were looking forward to helping us navigate family life amid a growing career and a wonderfully exhausting early parenting period.
Unfortunately that didn’t happen. My father-in-law, a brilliant physicist, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, and my mother-in-law suffered from increasingly debilitating health problems. They were not in a position to help anyone.
“I think this can only go one way,” my husband said quietly one Sunday afternoon as we drove home from helping him with a list of jobs he couldn’t do. “They need our help, not the other way around.”
I’ve been in this sandwich stage of my life for about 10 years. I’ve been juggling potty training and tantrums with a burgeoning writing career that includes eight novels published in nine years. I fielded confusing calls about long-term care insurance, helped after multiple surgeries, and learned how to trim my mother-in-law’s precious rose bushes to her specifications. The learning curve is steep and the list of new challenges seems endless. It was exhausting and infuriating, but also heartbreakingly sweet at times. The hardest part was sticking to my sense of self.
Everywhere I look, I see moms of the sandwich generation struggling. So many people depend on us, need our time, our attention, our organization, our compassion and care. Our days are a balancing act of a combination of careers, marriage, parenting, caregiving, and the never-ending tasks required to run not one, but sometimes two, modern households. Meanwhile, we have very little time left.
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” my mom friend, a former interior designer, confessed over coffee one morning. “I’m trying to remember that apart from all these responsibilities, all the roles I have to play, what do I have left?”
I hear the same questions over and over again. What do I have left? This question resonated with me so much that I decided to explore it in my new novel. A touch of sweet serendipity. My main character, Emmy, is a struggling chocolatier in a small coastal town in the Pacific Northwest, managing her family’s failing candy store while caring for her young son, Gus, and her sick mother. Like many of us, Emmy is trying to find a haircut, a new bra, and more importantly, a chance to regain some sliver of her own happiness again.
I empathize with Emmy’s journey. Many of us from the sandwich generation are trying to rediscover our sense of self, embrace our joy, and reignite that spark in our lives. But how do you do it? Over the years, I’ve gathered some wisdom that has been very helpful. Here are three of my favorites.
Be honest about the difficult things.
There’s nothing orderly or easy about raising a family or navigating the unfamiliar territory of aging with your loved ones. It’s complicated, bittersweet, heartbreaking, and exhausting. Often I’m tempted to minimize the mental and emotional burden, feeling ashamed that I can’t be stronger, more capable, but that minimizes my true experience of the complexity and internal costs of this stage of life. When you are truly honest about your difficult circumstances, you can find the solidarity, support, and resources you need.
Remember, you can’t have it all…at least not all at once.
A wise working mom friend told me this while I was pregnant with my first child: “You can do it all. You can’t do it all at once. Be realistic about what you can handle in a healthy way.”
I learned that no matter how talented and efficient I am, there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything. i need help! And I’m not alone.
Carefully set realistic expectations, then figure out how to get the support you need. What can you do to breathe a little easier and create a little more space in your day? If finances are tight, consider swapping child care with a friend to get a much-needed break, or take an hour of meal prep once a month to stock up on meals in the freezer for a busy week. I have tried all these methods. Each of them has brought a little bit of leeway into my life, so I feel that they are irreplaceable.
Lean into the little joys.
When my son was born, a mother of older children gave me some great wisdom. She told me, “Every day, do at least one thing that gives you joy and is just for you.” During my infancy and early breastfeeding years, reading a magazine for 10 minutes every once in a while was all I could do, and it still felt like a fun little treat. The impact was greater than those 10 minutes. I still follow her advice.
What are the things that make you feel more like yourself and give you joy?Give yourself permission to do those things regularly. I’m currently gardening. Caring for tomatoes and dahlias calms your entire nervous system, giving you reserves to get you through the rest of the day. Surrender yourself to whatever gives you joy as much as possible. Nurture yourself as you would nurture others. The benefits are huge.
While nothing can mask the grueling mental and emotional load we mothers carry every day, nor can we wave a magic wand and make it go away, I hope the simple truths I’ve learned over the years will help you survive and hopefully thrive as a sandwich generation mom.
Rachel Linden She is a novelist and international aid worker, and her adventures in more than 50 countries around the world form the incredible core of her writing. she is the author of A touch of sweet serendipity (Released on May 19th) The secret of orange blossom cake, Recipe for a fascinating life, The magic of lemon drop pie (currently on Hallmark Channel Films), and several other novels. Rachel currently lives with her family on a lovely little island in the Pacific Northwest. So I enjoy creating stories about strong women facing big challenges, food, travel, and second chances at love, with a touch of whimsy and a happy, hopeful ending.
