As divorce became more common in the second half of the 20th century, families began to look different, especially as generations grew. The “four grandparents” paradigm that had dominated much of modern history suddenly changed. For example, my children have four biological grandfathers, four step-grandfathers, and three grandmothers.. It’s great to know that family can be defined far beyond blood…but that doesn’t mean these dynamics don’t get complicated from time to time. Check out recent posts on the Am I The Assh*le board on Reddit. There, u/Puzzleheaded_Fee_541 (we’ll call him Puzzle for short) asked, “Didn’t AITA allow her mother to call her partner grandpa?”
My parents divorced in the early 2000s. My father and I didn’t have a good relationship at first, but over time we grew closer and we had a great relationship. He passed away suddenly four years ago. Although our relationship with my mother’s current partner is not good, we continue to respect each other. Fast forward to now, my wife and I had just had our first child, and my mom and her partner visited for the first time over the weekend. She kept calling her partner “Grandpa” to my son, which I felt was disrespectful to my father, who would bear that title. She was furious because I had caused such a fuss. They both suddenly left.
In an edit to his original post, Puzzle further clarified that what he was “causing a fuss about” was not violent or loud, but “perhaps seemed abrupt.” They said the mother’s partner (with whom she has been together for about 18 months) “could be called anything other than grandpa as it is a reference to the biological father.” Mr. Puzzle admits that this conversation probably should have taken place before the first meeting, but unfortunately it did not happen.
“I have had some issues with my mother over the years, and I felt that was reflected in the way her partner treated me,” they continued. “We’ve only really had a proper conversation in the last six months or so. We’re not that close, and I haven’t gotten over my father’s death yet, so I didn’t think he deserved the title of grandpa.”
So…Aita?
The opinions in the comments apply primarily to “NTA” (not The Assh*le).
“They’ve only been together for a year and a half. Your mom’s not doing well here,” one commenter asserted. “I have an older sauce bottle than that!”
“She can’t make decisions like that for you or your son,” agrees another. “Don’t apologize to her. Her partner doesn’t have to have a special title, and if that’s not acceptable, she doesn’t have to see the kids.”
“Four years is actually not a long time at all in terms of grieving a parent, especially one you lost unexpectedly,” a third opined. “You just had a baby. You’re a new father yourself, and the emotion of losing a parent is not something you can easily deal with right now. And you don’t have a great relationship with your partner. I think your mom has crossed a line. How she reacts when you point that out will be pretty important, because she’s going through all of this. I think you should understand how it affects you and give you an understanding of that. If he plans to stay with your child for a long time, a different nickname might be a good compromise, but that’s completely your choice.” Your desire to keep the father’s memory alive trumped the mother’s partner who wanted to be a grandparent to the unrelated child. ”
“I don’t think you need to be biologically related to be a dad, mom, grandpa, or grandma, but you do need a parent-child relationship before you accept someone for that title when you have kids,” says another. “This guy doesn’t have anything like that, so why is he an old man?”
But others were a little more forgiving towards Puzzle’s mother and partner, ruling “NAH (No Assh*les Here)”.
“I understand how you feel, but you should consider the fact that this person is going to be in your child’s life and there is no other grandpa on this side of the family,” one commenter suggested. “He’ll be the only grandpa who knows your side.”
“It’s your choice, but I think there may be limitations,” says another. “Understand, your child is not going to be in the same dynamic that you are with your family and extended family. The mother’s partner may not be close to you, but if you let things unfold naturally, you may end up being a loving grandparent to your child and close to them.”
Personally, I think there is a way to respect everyone’s feelings. go by grandparent’s name other It feels like a better compromise than Grandpa. As for the fact that “Grandma who is not Grandpa” has only been dating Grandma for a year and a half, the baby is a newborn. At this point, children do not know that they have toes, much less that their biologically unrelated relatives serve as grandparents. There is time to give grace and work things out…and certainly there are many similarly situated people who can offer their experience and insight to help Puzzle and its new family…
