Everyone wants to raise good children while giving them everything they need, or at least most of what they want. And at some point, all parents also realize that these goals can conflict with each other. One parent took to Reddit to get to the heart of the tension, asking whether we should “create our own struggles” for our children.
On r/Parenting, user MemoryCool11 shared his concern that his teenagers have grown up in such an easy-going lifestyle that they can’t seem to put up with even the smallest inconvenience. The poster explains that they grew up “poor” and that the OP’s parents were immigrants who spoke English as a second language and had to work countless hours to make ends meet. Now an adult with her own family, OP says she lives a “very comfortable upper-middle class life.”
“Especially because my job is very freelance, I can always pick up my kids from school or drive them to extracurricular classes. They get to go on really nice vacations, so they have a comfortable life and have devoted parents at home. They are not the kind of kids who are interested in branded goods and generally want a lot of things, but I have noticed that they do so because they have such an easy and comfortable life, but they don’t have much ability to cope with even the slightest inconvenience,” the OP writes.
For example, if I’m five minutes late picking up my kids after school, OP explains, “my kids will literally throw me the worst attitude ever. They get irritated easily over little things, like having to change their dinner plans from one nice restaurant to a slightly less nice restaurant.” After visiting Universal with a “VIP experience” (Fast Passes, private guides, etc.), they complained incessantly during their next theme park visit without those perks.
What this parent is concerned about is not the complaining, but how quickly they descend into chaotic frustration as soon as something doesn’t immediately become easier for them.
“I guess my question is, they should try harder. If such a frictionless existence is spoiling them too much, why not just not do things like VIP experiences (even though they can afford it)?” OP asks.
And I got a reply to the comment.
“Maybe it’s time to create friction in their lives: buying fewer Fastpasses, helping with yard work, doing more housework, learning how to cook (you can’t rush, kneading dough for 8 minutes is a pain), having to reserve library books and wait for them to be ready, trying new and difficult things, hiking, rock climbing, going out in all weather, camping,” one person said.
In fact, spending time outdoors was often encouraged. One user wrote, “I’ve been a camp counselor several times. Rich or poor, everyone will learn something about themselves on a ropes course or whitewater.” OP responded that kids like hiking, and a commenter suggested that parents might pitch in as well. “Why not make these hobbies they already enjoy even more difficult? Maybe they can lead the navigation on your next hike. Or why not go backpacking instead of camping at a drive-up campground?”
One commenter said this isn’t really about making children’s lives difficult, but teaching them to behave gracefully under stress. “You can build resilience, but they may have always lived a comfortable life. You can still teach them and expect them not to be coddled about it. They can be disappointed or impatient without being rude, and you don’t need to make them even more uncomfortable because of it.”
Finally, one user suggested that this problem may resolve with age. “As I’ve noticed with my kids, a lot of that is fostered by opportunities for independence. They learn to adapt, be flexible, and innovate even when I’m not there to solve everything. I also make sure that I can report on their problem-solving and support their efforts, even if they fail.”
The general consensus was that if children could not tolerate inconveniences, they needed to be exposed to more inconveniences in order to learn how.
“I don’t think there’s a need to create adversity, but I think we should stop removing friction avenues for them just because they can afford it. They can’t build skills they don’t have the opportunity to practice.”
