Ask Scary Mommy is a weekly advice column where Scary Mommy editors and guest editors (fellow moms just like you) answer your burning questions. You can send all your parenting, family, and relationship questions and conundrums to: askcarymommy@bdg.com (Don’t worry – you’ll remain anonymous!).
This week we’re going to talk about another difficult topic: rules for teenagers. Specifically, what if you want to keep the lines of communication wide open at such a critical time for your child, but also want to maintain an established set of rules and consequences? This can be incredibly difficult. Let’s go.
Dear Scary Mama
I have a 16 year old teenage girl and it’s really tearing my heart apart. I’m more concerned about her safety than anything else. And I want her to know that if she needs to go home sober, or if she finds herself in a bad situation, she can always, always call me. Even if she’s drinking, staying out past curfew, and breaking every rule in the book. Her health and life are more important than anything, and she should never fear the consequences if she needs me to rescue her from a dangerous situation.
At the same time…I don’t want this to be a free pass for her. I don’t want her to think it’s okay to get drunk, smoke pot, have sex, or stay out all night. How can I send a complicated message like “I want you to follow the rules, but is it okay to break them?”
— Mix Up Mommy
Dear Mixed Up Mama
My answer to this is very simple. The result cannot be implemented. At all If you want your teenager to call you when they are in trouble. Because then she won’t call you. If you give her a “get out of jail free” card so she can call you anytime for help, then you have to help her. do not have She is appalled by the situation she is in.
Let me explain. Teenage brains are not fully developed and can function in mysterious ways. One of the problems is that you literally can’t assess risk like a mature adult. Another is that they listen to other teens more than their parents and are more likely to try new things. These are all good things that help teens become independent, learn when to take risks, and discover who they are.
Unfortunately, this is also a big reason why teens are notorious for trying illegal drugs, making risky choices, speeding in their cars, and driving under the influence.
The results are difficult for teenagers’ brains, whose prefrontal cortex is still developing, to understand. This means that while your teen may not fully understand that being a passenger in a drunk driver’s car can literally be deadly, he or she deeply understands and fears what it’s like to be pulled over for a week or have your phone taken away.
If they thought they might face dire consequences at home, they wouldn’t call you to avoid new dire consequences they would face on the go.
What I suggest is: Tell your daughter the same thing you told me in the first paragraph. Whenever your daughter is in trouble, no matter what, she can call you, no questions asked.
And tell her this. If she calls you, you won’t get into any trouble. She won’t be yelled at, ejected, asked additional questions, or even judged. I say, “Thanks for calling, that was a good decision,” and that’s it.
If you catch your daughter breaking the house rules because she didn’t call you as a last resort to get to a safe place, there can and should be consequences. But if she presses the magic eject button when she needs help, the results must be erased.
Yes, I know your kid could take advantage of this loophole and start calling you at 3 a.m. every weekend to pick you up from the party like crazy. But I’m wondering if that really happens. Your child doesn’t want to call you if they don’t have to. If you’re in trouble and someone dials your number or sends you a text, they’re not taking advantage of you. They really need a mother. that’s ok.
Building trust, being consistent, and communicating clearly are important when parenting teenagers. When you drive your kids home from a party they shouldn’t have attended and keep your promise that they won’t be punished for being there, you’re building a trusting relationship that will keep them safe and last a lifetime.
— Scary Mom
Have a situation you don’t know how to solve? ask scary mom To get answers from my biological parents who were there.
If you can’t figure it out after reading this article, we’re not doctors or lawyers. Please do not interpret the above information as legal or medical advice. In that case, please consult a specialist.
