Everyone loved my ex-husband’s girlfriend, Julie. I liked her because she was nice when my sons visited every other weekend. I love that she has a beautiful daughter and understands the dynamics of co-parenting. I loved that she gave the kids cell phones so they could call me before bed if they were feeling stressed. My sons liked her because she was funny and energetic and lived in a nice air-conditioned house. My ex-husband clearly liked her. The thing is, he liked making her happy and showing her that he could be a good father, a fun father, an attractive father, all of which made her very happy.
They dated for about 11 months and it was a golden time for all of us. I was able to work while they were away without having to worry about last-minute cancellations. My kids relaxed to the rhythm. When they returned from visiting their father on Sunday night, they talked a lot about Julie and her daughter. They told me about her Christmas plans for their blended family. She wanted everyone to get together the day after Christmas to enjoy sledding, presents, and homemade soup. That sounded wholesome. sweet. Thoughtful.
That never happened.
My ex-husband and Julie have disconnected. He didn’t talk about it, which was perfectly natural. He moved into his own apartment. He bought a leather jacket.
Best of all, he’s back to being the father he was before Julie. Distracting. Half-hearted. Lethargy. The kids and I never talked about the shift, we just quietly mourned Julie and the part-time life that could have been and waited for his next relationship. At this point we had been divorced for four years and Julie was my fifth girlfriend. I think we all wanted a different Julie, not another Amanda, Julie’s predecessor.
Amanda didn’t like kids, and she probably didn’t particularly like mine. She didn’t like what they represented – her partner’s life in front of her. She wanted a fresh start with my ex-husband. She didn’t want him to be my ex-husband or father. He was fine with whatever Amanda wanted, so he stopped being their father for a while. My sons spent almost all of their time at home with me while Amanda and my ex made excuses or simply said they weren’t really “feeling” weekends with the kids. Instead, they were feeling game night with friends on Friday. I’m going to check out the farmers market on Saturday. A relaxing Sunday brunch in bed. Buy a new car somewhere in between. While we were dating, my ex-husband once emailed me and said, “Sorry, I’m going to try it with the kids next month. I’m sure they’ll be happy just relaxing at home.”
The truth was our children It was I’m happy just hanging out at home most of the time. They were hardly bothered by their father’s changing interests. Even I didn’t really notice it. I never questioned why he was happy to take the passenger seat of parenting and let whoever he happened to be dating take the wheel. Maybe I wasn’t surprised because I was always my parent’s driver when we were together. Parents who offered to coach soccer, substitute bath time, or play outside with the kids while I made dinner. He said, “Sure, that sounds nice,” but I tried not to realize that he never thought of doing these things himself. Either way, he didn’t seem to have strong feelings about how to spend time with our kids.
When we separated he became more aggressive just because his mother insisted. She urged her grandchildren to stay close because she didn’t want to lose her relationship with them. Would he have simply walked away from his children without being prompted by the women in his life? Almost certainly.
Julie turns out to be an anomaly. A gift horse we’ve been looking at in the mouth for far too long. After we broke up, my ex-husband dated a woman who was only half-heartedly interested in my child or not interested at all. I didn’t blame any of them. I didn’t even blame him for a long time.
You might not even be able to blame him now. His sons have grown up. They think it’s totally okay to think about him. They’re not waiting to find out if he’s in the mood to be a dad this week or if he wants to go to wing night with his girlfriend. No one is waiting for him for anything anymore. Sadly, he became the subject of controversy.
In the end, he lost his driver’s license because he spent years in the passenger seat as a father. And there is no one around to show him the way.
