In any society, telling the truth is dangerous. But creator Manny Buckley recently dropped some truth on TikTok. He’s taking bold stances on things no one is talking about, perhaps because we’ve been too greedy and cowardly. It’s about our children. Specifically, the names of the children. “You all started by naming all the kids Jaden, Kayden, Aiden, Madison, Addison, Adilyn, and then you moved on to naming all the old people,” he says. As someone who gave her son a little old man’s name, I might be angry, but I stand firm with Buckley because he wasn’t wrong and he brought the receipt.
“I was on the train and a woman was calling my name and I was like, ‘George! George!’ And she’s talking to a child under the age of five,” he says. “Ma’am, George is a mechanic in his 60s, but he won’t be able to service your car this week because of the high sugar content.”
Other examples include Agnes (“Florida veteran”), Ira (“80-year-old Jewish man”), Belinda (“RN about to retire”), and Clifford (“Naval veteran”).
Obviously, this is a lot of fun…and it’s something we wanted to be a part of too. So we looked at the Social Security Administration’s list of the top 1,000 most popular baby names to see what other older people’s children were named, and we didn’t have to look far to find a particularly geriatric-sounding name. (To be fair, there are some great winners). The names below are all within the top 150 for children in 2023. These are some of the vibes I think they could potentially be giving off.
theodore
At the time, Theodore was a feisty knickerbocker enrolled at Yale University (where he played the main character in The Whiffenpoofs). He is now 85 years old and has just retired from practicing law in a wealthy New England town where he lives with his wife, Marjorie.
hazel
Hazel’s 12 grandchildren all have four beautiful handmade quilts, one for each season, as fiber art is her passion. But arthritis is making that increasingly difficult for her.
Ezekiel
Ezekiel was named after his grandfather, the greatest moonshiner of all time. He has a thriving garage and towing service. His handshake is a promise that cannot be broken. He has been planning for the past 15 years for his grandson Jason to take over the business within five years. (He just can’t seem to let go.)
Sadie
Sadie always tells you that she thinks you are too skinny and wants to improve it with her famous babka.
waylon
Mr. Waylon has been in local politics for the county since 1974. His most prized possession is a photo of him shaking hands with President Ronald Reagan, which he included in his will (to be given to his favorite grandson, Waylon III).
iris
Everyone is genuinely afraid of Iris, but no one knows what the agency will do when she retires. She has all the organizational knowledge of the company and refuses to share this information. She was ruthlessly talented and apparently super popular in the 60’s.
cyrus
Silas remembers when this was a factory town. In the old days, you could play stickball in the middle of Route 7 because it would take hours for your car to arrive. now? Phew! The traffic is ridiculous.
Eloise
Eloise doesn’t care what her kids say and has no intention of moving out of her apartment (Upper West Side, six bedrooms and formal dining room, rent controlled at $200 a month). For what? Do you want to waste time in a Boca Raton retirement community? Hmm. Eloise lives with her 16-year-old Shih Tzu, Mitzi.
arthur
Arthur is untouchable because he has tenure rights, and he makes the most of this fact. Since 1992, he has not taught more than one seminar in an academic year.
mary
Mary wants to know if he wants Werther. She keeps them in her purse. Once you receive the candy, you will spend at least 30 minutes talking to Mary.
To be honest, this is the trend we want. These names are classic for a reason, because toddlers named Abraham are hysterical.
