Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother dropped a bombshell on me and I don’t know how to move on from it, but I feel like I need to, fast—I am expecting my first child in a few months and don’t want this hanging over us. She informed me that she and my father have never felt like they are a priority in anyone else’s life, including mine, and so they have decided to be their own priority. I was devastated to hear this, because it does not reflect my feelings about my parents and if I could do anything to improve our relationship, I would. I am also baffled: I recently moved back to the west coast to live closer to them, leaving behind a community I cherished. We invite them over when it is convenient for them. We host them every holiday. Anytime they need something, we step up. What hurts the most is that when I asked my mother what I had done to make her feel this way and how I can make an effort to show her she is a priority, she told me there’s no point because she and my father are happy now; I should live my life and they will live theirs. I am crushed and feel like this means they aren’t interested in my child’s life. Where do I go from here? My mother refuses to discuss it further.
—Devastated
Dear Devastated,
I really wish that your mother had chosen to communicate with you about this in another way, without the weird guilt trip. Because of course there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with your parents making their own lives and happiness a priority. As important as our kids are, as much as we love them, they can’t be our whole lives for the rest of our lives.
From your letter, it really doesn’t sound like you have anything to reproach yourself for. The fact that your mother can’t actually name a specific thing you’ve done to make your parents feel this way is awfully telling. If there were something you should apologize for, something in particular you should have done, she’d be able to name it. Instead, you’re getting this vague and (let’s face it) sulky accusation about not “prioritizing” them—and the martyr-ish “don’t worry about us, just go live your life,” to boot—after you moved across the country to be closer to them.
So I think there’s a decent chance that this decision of theirs has very little to do with anything you’ve done or not done. Without knowing or talking with your mom, I can’t begin to imagine what’s going on in her head, but it’s possible that she’s having a bit of a hard time accepting that you’re grown and starting your own family independent of your parents—a family that will be your top priority. Whatever the case may be, your parents are clearly going through something, dealing with some uncomfortable or challenging feelings, and your mother has decided to take at least some of it out on you. That is really unfortunate, and it is also not your fault.
I know it’s hurtful as well as frustrating that your parents won’t have a real conversation with you about this. I think it’s important to acknowledge how all this makes you feel, and also to avoid beating yourself up. You aren’t responsible for their choices, their problems, or their feelings; they are responsible for those things. Again, if your actions were at fault here, I think they’d be able to name a few of them!
I Keep Hearing About One Specific Horrible Part of Being a Parent. There’s No Way This Is Real.
I Reminded My Husband of Our Long-Time Agreement. His Reaction Isn’t Fair.
Your parents are talking as if your relationship and their happiness is some weird zero-sum game—as if it’s not possible to love and prioritize many people at once. You can let them know that you’re sorry they feel that way, and you think that’s a false choice. But if you keep begging them to tell you what you’ve done “wrong,” running up against the passive-aggressive brick wall that your mother is choosing to be right now, I think that’s just going to hurt you even more. And you don’t need or deserve to be torturing yourself over this right now. You have a baby on the way, and much more important things to focus on. For now, you can just let your parents know that you love them a lot, you want them to be happy and prioritize themselves to whatever degree they’re able, and you also want them to be a big part of their grandchild’s life. Make it clear that you’re here to talk if and when they’re ready. Again, do not blame yourself for their choices, and don’t assume the worst—I know this situation is painful and confusing, but it doesn’t mean that your parents won’t or don’t want to be involved in your child’s life. I hope decide to work through whatever is going on with them in a more open, compassionate, healthy way, and get themselves together so they can be the grandparents your kid deserves.
—Nicole
I have three kids: two girls and a boy. My oldest daughter is my biological daughter and our younger two are adopted. My oldest, “Annie,” was 3 years old when we adopted her sister and 6 when we adopted her brother. When Annie was 2, we took her to Disneyland. All three kids have been to Disney World, but only Annie has been to Disnleyland. My other daughter is turning 10 this year and my son has been having some medical problems, so we’d like to take the two of them on a fun trip for their birthdays. We would take them during the offseason (fall) to save money. If I took Annie, it would cost more, and since Annie is in middle school it would be a lot more work to make up. Is it okay to leave Annie behind since she’s already been?
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