There are various types of mothers in the world. Are you a gummy bear mom? Are you a strong mother? Or how about this? Are you an “everything bagel parent”?
You may not have heard this term yet. Honestly, I could have remade it. But when we reached out to experts to explain this particular kind of parent, especially mothers, it quickly became clear that it’s all about bagel parenting. teeth Something.
We are expected to be our children’s emotional supporters, (very busy) drivers, social coordinators, homework helpers, nutritionists, activity planners, and general experts on everything from friendship drama to executive skills. And as mothers, we are often expected to do all of that in addition to working, being good partners, and taking care of ourselves in some way.
Enough to make anyone feel like a bagel. They are covered in tons of shit and can carry more than is reasonable.
So while “everything bagel parent” may not be an official parenting term, the sentiment behind it is instantly recognizable. The experts I spoke with acknowledged that many modern parents feel tremendous pressure not only to raise their children, but also to optimize nearly every aspect of their lives.
Understandably, it has become a huge burden.
What is “Everything Bagel Parent”?
Essentially, an Everything Bagel parent is someone who feels responsible for being everything a child needs.
You might think, “That’s just like my mother.” And indeed, it’s true! A mother’s natural instinct is to respond to her child’s needs. But this is about more than just meeting the child’s basic needs and desires. Because parenting now is different than it was five or 10 years ago. Social norms have changed, access has changed, expectations have changed.
“Parents today often feel like they have to do everything for their children, that they have to be everything,” clinical psychologist Angel Close, Ph.D., tells Scary Mommy. “There’s a belief that if you work hard enough, study hard enough, stay involved enough, your child will be healthy, happy, and successful. That’s a tremendous amount of pressure.”
Dr. Ann Welsh, a clinical psychologist and executive coach, says the idea immediately resonated with her.
“I feel like being a loving parent is no longer enough,” she says. “We now need to take on roles such as our children’s activity directors, homework coaches, social coordinators, nutritionists, and therapists, all while remaining in full control of our own emotions.”
In other words, parenting extends far beyond feeding, clothing, and reasonably keeping children safe, and that all-encompassing pressure can be felt even more acutely for mothers of neurodivergent children.
“You’re the case manager who coordinates all the appointments, you’re the IEP advocate, and most importantly, you’re the one person in your child’s life who understands how their brain works,” explains Alicia Trautwein, autism advocate and founder of resource platform The Mom Kind. “There’s a lot of pressure to do everything right, but so many parents try to face it on their own. Sometimes they don’t have a community to help them, or they start to feel like they have to do everything on their own.”
Why does parenting seem so much more difficult than it used to be?
Times have obviously changed. Still, experts are quick to point out that some of these changes are really coming from a good place. We know more about child development than previous generations. We understand the importance of emotional connection. Moreover, most of us want to give to our children what we ourselves did not receive.
What’s the problem? We have internalized the overwhelming idea that we are responsible for all outcomes.
“We’ve learned a lot from developmental psychology and attachment research over the past few decades,” Close says. “But I think some parents are ignoring the message that they are responsible for all aspects of their child’s development and emotional well-being.”
The Welshman agrees.
“Previous generations of stay-at-home moms actually spent less time directly playing and interacting with their children than today’s working mothers,” she says. “While we have begun to view the time we spend with our children as a measure of love and good parenting, the data shows that quality is more important than quantity.”
And then there’s social media, with every scroll offering a new opportunity to feel like there’s something missing.
“A generation ago, it was perfectly fine as long as you had enough,” Trautwein says. “Now, on top of everything else, we are expected to be fully emotionally available at all times.”
What is the difference between “everything bagel parenting” and “intensive parenting”?
Close says it’s a similar idea. It “feels like having to cover all bases and attend to every need, often without the village support that previous generations relied on.”
The term intensive parenting was originally coined by sociologist Sharon Hayes, who used it to describe a “child-centered, professionally guided, emotionally intensive, labor-intensive, and financially expensive approach to child-rearing,” and that “bagel parenting is all a very descriptive way of describing how that ideology feels in everyday life,” says Welsh.
But the data is very clear. It’s not mentally healthy for either the parents or the child.
“Parents become responsible not only for their child’s safety and care, but also for their child’s well-being, emotional regulation, academic success, social life, and future opportunities,” Welsh explains.
And mothers often bear the brunt of these expectations, as they still tend to carry much of the invisible labor within the family.
“For mothers, the pressures are particularly intense because they coexist with expectations that mothers will succeed at work, care for other family members, run the household, and somehow maintain their own health and relationships. Social media amplifies all of this, as our brains construct a picture of the ‘perfect parent’ from small (and sometimes artificial) video highlights of other people’s lives,” says Wales.
That’s a lot.
What are the signs that you may be taking on too much?
Okay, so how do you know if you’ve crossed the threshold from doting mom to anything-bagel parent? Welsh says there are several signs.
- They feel as if their child’s suffering is proof that they have done something wrong.
- You find yourself working harder than your child to solve their problems, arrange their schedules, manage their friendships, and protect them from natural consequences.
- You feel intense guilt when you set limits, take away your time, and allow your child to become bored, frustrated, or disappointed.
- You are so focused on creating the “right” childhood that you don’t have much room to experience life for yourself.
- You feel resentful, exhausted, and burnt out, but you also believe that if you took a step back, you would be an unloving parent.
That’s the trap. Even though you’re exhausted, you convince yourself that if you stop, you’ll be a “bad mother.”
What can we do about it?
If all of this sounds a little too familiar (and perhaps even a little uncomfortable to admit), experts want you to hear this more than anything: That said, it was never meant to be done alone.
“Children benefit from seeing healthy boundaries, self-compassion, resilience, and connection modeled in real life,” Close says. “No one person can meet every child’s needs.”
In fact, trying to be everything to your child can actually prevent them from developing important skills of their own.
“When children experience boredom, frustration, and disappointment, it’s not bad parenting; they’re learning how to be human,” Wales reminds us. “Humans are allowed to have limitations, and children benefit from understanding this. After all, our job is not to create a childhood free of discomfort, but to provide enough safety, support, and stability so that children gradually learn that they can overcome discomfort.”
After all, parents are humans too. Wales emphasizes, “Your needs, desires, dreams, and health are all important to your children. We will take care of you.” teeth taking care of them. ”
Of course, this is easier said than done, and the Welsh know that. “What is overlooked is that being emotionally available is important…and it’s hard to do that when we’re thin enough to be invisible!”
Perhaps the antidote to all things bagel parenting is this. It’s not about being less loving or less caring, it’s simply about not being tied down to the impossible belief that one person can be everything to everyone.
Your children don’t need perfect parents. They just need you.
