Every time someone asks me what it’s like to raise a teenager, I tell them the biggest thing I’m learning is how quickly they revert to toddler-like behavior. No, I’m not talking about tantrums or big emotional outbursts, I’m talking about how close teens and tweens want to be to us, no matter what society tells us. My 11-year-old daughter comes to me while I cook, asks me to lean on the kitchen counter like she did when she was a toddler, or sit with me on the couch like she did when she was a preschooler, and she still loves to read to me before bed.
But I wasn’t prepared for how much teens need us at bedtime.
Why do our teens want to talk at bedtime?
My 6th grade daughter asks me to sleep in her bedroom every night more than when she was in elementary school. After finishing all the stories and songs (she shares a room with her two younger sisters), when I walk out she tells me “don’t go” and I always turn around and sit with her. Sometimes she pours out her entire soul in the middle of Squishmallow, and other times she just wants to be silly and fool around.
And according to experts, this makes perfect sense.
Dr. Kelly Gonderman, a licensed clinical psychologist and clinical director of We Conquer Together, has been working with youth in residential and university counseling centers for nearly a decade. She calls this the night shift. This is the time from 10pm to 2am when “teens are really processing the day and trying to make sense of their emotional experiences.”
Their defenses decrease at night.
“Their ability to push things away is not as strong, so everything they’ve been putting up with finally comes out,” says Janet Rolandini, LCSW and founder and director of Suffolk DBT. “During the day, they manage school, friendships, expectations, and their own inner experiences. At night, when everything settles down, they finally have the space to feel.”
And perhaps more importantly, they feel safer. “Teenagers are more vulnerable because it’s quieter, more private, and there’s less pressure,” Rolandini says.
Oh, I’m so tired, can’t my child wait until morning?
Listen, it happens. Just as you fall asleep, the bedroom door opens and you see him standing there. Or maybe you’re heading to bed and notice that the lamp is still on while they’re trying to unwind. And they want you to come in.
You yourself are exhausted, but how you show up for your child in moments like this is important.
“The first step is validation,” says Rolandini. “Even if the timing is difficult, it’s important that your child chooses to come to you.” Validation doesn’t have to be complicated either, she says. You can do it simply as follows:
- “I was really happy to hear that.”
- “That sounds difficult.”
- “Of course it upset you.”
There’s no need to try to fix everything. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.
Clinical and school psychologist Dr. Liz Nissim agrees. “Ask troubled teens if they would like to be listened to or brainstorm solutions with you. Most kids just need someone to help them navigate their daily interactions and emotions,” she says.
At that time, they’re not looking for a big response. They need you to ground them and just engage and pay attention.
However, it’s okay to set limits if it helps both of you. Try saying something like, “I really want to ask you this, but I’m a little tired. Can we talk tomorrow?” You can give both of you what you need while validating your teenager’s needs.
“Follow-up at the same time and place the next day also provides validation for our teens,” Nissim says. “For example, if your teen is worried about the next day’s math test, send them a quick text message in the morning or during the day that says, ‘Good luck on today’s math quiz. You’ll do great!'” Let your teen know that you heard them and that you’re serious about them. ”
Gonderman adds that it’s important to remember that your teen isn’t just doing this to avoid sleeping. This is especially true if you tell your kids to go to bed, but you find them in their room scrolling on their phones or texting friends.
“Don’t give me a lecture on screen time in the middle of the night,” she says. “Sit on the edge of your bed and ask, ‘What can’t you wake up?'” It doesn’t immediately solve the problem, it validates it. Gonderman also points out that research on adolescent sleep and attachment is clear: “Teens who receive consistent emotional influence from their parents during the night have been shown to have significantly lower rates of anxiety and depression, regardless of how much sleep they get.”
How can I encourage my teen to open up?
If you want to encourage your teen to talk more, whether it’s at bedtime, on the way to soccer practice, or at the dinner table, let them know it’s a safe place for them to bring things. They need to understand that you are there to listen and not immediately jump into problem-solving mode or try to take over the problem.
Amy Dykstra, a registered psychologist and clinic owner at Bluebird Psychology, says evenings are helpful because they’re often the first time teens have a full day without distractions.
So you can recreate some of that by taking an evening walk, sitting on the couch and watching a TV show together, or just spending time in the room together as you relax and get ready for bed. Letting the other person know you’re there and available may encourage them to talk more before the late hours completely take over.
No matter what, just listen. Dykstra says teens are still children who thrive on your comfort. When they are sleepy, it makes a lot of sense for them to stop fighting for independence and contact you.
“The biggest thing you can do is embrace this time. It’s a really fun moment in parenting a teenager,” she says. “Let your teen lead the conversation, don’t put pressure on them, and mostly just listen. Children often aren’t looking for guidance or advice in moments like this, they just want an opportunity to air their thoughts and feelings.”
If bedtime is a time when your child is finally safe enough to talk, it’s also a time when they can feel safe. select You…and it’s worth keeping up with.
