After my son was born, it was a smidge eye-opening to discover that his grandmother (read: my mother) had some pretty strong opinions about everything from the clothes he wore outside on chilly days to the amount of food he consumed at each meal.
Don’t get me wrong, I was well aware that my mother was a force to be reckoned with in my own life. But naively, I didn’t realize that would carry over to how I raised my own child. Suffice it to say, there were a few disagreements during my son’s first few months of life.
Thankfully, over time, those differences of opinion subsided, and my mother and I mostly saw eye to eye about matters regarding my son. And in cases when we didn’t, I began to feel confident enough as a new mom to push back.
As I’m sure plenty of parents can attest, my experience was not entirely unique. The periodic tussle between parents and grandparents over child rearing is hardly a new development.
“Disagreements between parents and grandparents are exceedingly common when a new baby joins the family,” Dr. Whitney Casares, pediatrician and founder of Modern Mommy Doc, told HuffPost. “That’s because a baby reshapes power dynamics, roles and identities between new parents and their elders.”
“Grandparents generally come at parenting from a lived experience perspective, while new parents are trying to navigate overwhelming medical advice, changing cultural norms and unrealistic expectations,” adds Casares.
For all those parents who now feel seen (raising hand), read on for five of the most common areas of disagreement between parents and grandparents when it comes to caring for a baby.
Sleep Routines And Schedules
Where your new baby sleeps, for how long and at what times of the day, hardly seems like fodder for disagreement among family members. But as it turns out, a baby’s sleep routine is one of the most common (and emotionally-charged) areas of debate between parents and grandparents, Casares said.
“Grandparents may not be up-to-date on current safe sleep practices,” Casares said. “While parents are overwhelmed with information about wake windows, attachment parenting and sleep schedules.”
When it comes to disagreements specifically about where and how a baby sleeps, what’s most important is that parents follow Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) prevention guidelines “by never putting anything in a baby’s crib other than a firm mattress and a tightly-fitted sheet,” Casares said, adding that it’s important to “place baby on their back, keeping the area well-ventilated and smoke-free.”
Beyond safety concerns, however, grandparents often do have a great deal of wisdom and perspective to offer when it comes to getting a baby to sleep and soothing a baby that new parents may not yet have learned. “This is an area where I encourage new moms and dads to listen to their elders, as long as their elders’ guidance doesn’t put the newborn at risk,” Casares said.
Starting Solids (And What Foods To Introduce, In General)
Identifying the right time, developmentally, to introduce your baby to solid foods, whether it’s their first piece of fruit, chopped vegetables, cheese or some other type of food, can be another source of debate, Dr. Tanya Altmann, FAAP, a board-certified pediatrician and founder of Calabasas Pediatrics, told HuffPost.
“Grandparents may remember being told to delay solid foods or to start with rice cereal alone,” Altmann said. However, that’s no longer the recommended approach from the American Academy of Pediatrics. And the evolution in pediatric advice has the potential to trigger family debate.
“Current guidance recommends introducing complementary foods around 6 months when a baby shows signs of readiness, and offering a variety of nutrient-rich foods early on,” Altmann said. “That includes fruits and vegetables containing important carotenoids, such as lutein and zeaxanthin, which play a role in visual development and may support cognitive function.”
Dr. Carla Allan, division chief of psychology at Phoenix Children’s, told HuffPost that today’s pediatric guidelines emphasize “responsive feeding, rooted in hunger and fullness cues and introducing solid foods when babies show developmental readiness.”
“Adhering to current pediatric recommendations supports healthy growth and development, even if these approaches are different from previous generations,” according to Allan.
Bottom line: Parents following modern feeding guidance should generally feel confident they’re doing the right thing, Altmann said.
Javier Zayas Photography via Getty Images
When And How To Respond To Crying
Let’s be honest, we’ve probably all had this particular debate: Your baby is crying, and your instinct is to go running. But a grandparent may frown upon such behavior, and well…suggest that you’re babying your baby.
“Grandparents sometimes worry that holding or comforting a baby too much will ‘spoil’ them,” Allan said. “But research tells us that babies need consistent, responsive caregiving to feel safe and develop emotional regulation.”
Using responsive practices, based on up-to-date research, adds Allan, helps foster a baby’s sense of security and supports their emotional development.
Using Walkers
Sit-in baby walkers were common when I was raising my son. And there are also plenty of pictures in family photo albums of me as a baby, grinning from my seat in a colorful walker. For a certain generation, baby walkers were all the rage. But it seems walkers may be falling out of favor, and not all grandparents got the memo.
“Many grandparents used sit-in walkers with their children and remember them as helpful tools for practicing walking,” according to Dr. Allison Mell, pediatric physical therapist and founder of Tots On Target, an online resource for parents seeking support guiding their baby to roll, crawl and walk.
“From a physical therapy perspective, however, these devices do not actually teach babies how to walk. Instead, they alter natural movement patterns, reduce core and trunk engagement, and often encourage pushing through the toes rather than developing proper weight shifting and balance,” Mell said.
Many parents these days are hesitant about sit-in walkers because of safety concerns, as well, adds Mell. Babies in walkers can move faster than expected, reach unsafe areas, tip over, or tumble down stairs before they’ve developed the protective reactions and responses needed to keep themselves safe. “For these reasons, current pediatric and safety guidelines recommend against the use of sit-in walkers,” Mell said, adding, “Sit-in walkers do not support walking development and pose real safety risks.”
Visitation Frequency
It’s not unusual for grandparents to want loads of quality time with the family’s new bundle of joy. Or they may want to pop by unannounced whenever the mood strikes. For new parents, the extra pair of hands can be quite helpful. And having a loving support network of grandparents is a benefit. But there’s a fine line between helpful and overwhelming. And where that line stands can be viewed differently by everyone involved.
“Parents are typically invested in establishing and keeping a routine, while grandparents would love as much time as possible with the grandchildren,” explains Cari Alvarez, a clinical child psychologist and director at WellBunch Psychology.
New babies and young children, however, can sometimes become overly excited when visitors are present and, as a result, struggle with things like napping and meal times during or after those visits. “This could make the aftermath of the visit challenging for parents. I’ve heard parents cite that it ‘throws off’ their entire day. So, having grandparents stop by whenever can be challenging,” Alvarez said.
To help resolve this particular hiccup, Alvarez typically encourages parents and grandparents to discuss their thoughts about visitation frequency and what that would look like. This approach allows parents and grandparents to discuss times of day when help would be welcomed (for example, after nap time instead of before).
Equally importantly, this approach can help ensure that rather than being disruptive, the doting attention from grandparents provides the welcomed reprieve parents need.
