Every night before I go to bed, I spend some time tidying up my bed. A book, some plastic food, a doll or stuffed animal or two, and almost always a handful of someone’s Goldfish crackers or granola bar or some after-school popcorn.
Because my three daughters treat my bed, and honestly my entire bedroom, like an extension of their own bed. Forget about raising kids in the living room or raising kids in the bedroom. I am clearly raising “kids in their parents’ bedrooms.”
Does it have any meaning?
My mother says that when she was a child, she was almost never allowed to enter her parents’ bedroom. She only went in there with permission and never thought of jumping into her parents’ bed while they were there.
When I was growing up, my parents’ bedroom wasn’t off-limits. I definitely wandered in and collapsed into my mom’s bed so I could talk to her while she was getting ready for bed. But it never occurred to me to spend time there without my mother. That was just my mother’s room.
But my own bedroom as an adult? Even when I’m not there, the kids treat this like another playground. I often find evidence of them hanging out in our bedrooms and just having a good time. Sometimes they use our bedroom for pretend play, turning the dresser into a grocery store and the bed into a veterinary clinic. There I find a stuffed rabbit wrapped in an American Girl doll sling and a fake can of spaghetti sauce under my pillow.
Sometimes I bring my tablet and play games together while sprawled out on my queen bed. Sometimes they watch movies. We’ve even gone into the house looking for friends to snuggle up in bed and have a playdate, like the kids think it’s free.
Our kids happily sleep in their own beds and even use the actual playroom. But where do you choose to relax? They almost always choose our room. I never encouraged them to stay in the bedroom – but I never told them do not have You can also hang out there. It was a small incident.
So what does it mean?
“When a child visits a parent’s bedroom, it’s not just about the space; rather, it’s all about the emotional safety, intimacy, and easy emotional control that the parent’s bedroom provides the child,” says psychiatrist Maya Reynolds, MD, MPH. “Speaking from a developmental perspective, I would add that this indicates a secure attachment in the child, as the child moves closer to the parent each time they seek connection and comfort.”
Reynolds also points out that today’s parenting culture is more flexible and relationship-centered, making shared spaces feel natural and welcoming.
Insights like this make me want to cry. I’m so happy that my daughters find our bedroom so comfortable. I love that it doesn’t make me feel like I have to walk on eggshells in any area of the house. I’m happy that they feel safe crawling into my bed and watching me. matilda.
But, for example…I don’t want my toy to be found in my bed every night.
Balance is key, Reynolds says. If kids consistently gravitate toward your room and avoid their own space, it could indicate anxiety or overstimulation (and I may need to work on some boundaries).
If you’re in a similar situation, Reynolds suggests spending time with your kids in the bedroom while also encouraging them to seek out their own independent play and spend time in their own space. A simple rule can help. For example, don’t keep toys in the bedroom, or make the bedroom just a place for bedtime stories and then move the kids back to their rooms.
We already have some of these rules in our house. My kids aren’t allowed to dig in dresser drawers or nightstands, and if they borrow a charger or outlet, they have to make sure everything is put back together. Ideally, I’d like to forbid my parents from eating in my bed, but honestly, what could be more comforting than having a snack while my parents read a book in bed?
Whether it’s the kids in the living room, the kids in the bedroom, or the kids in their parents’ bedroom, I hope we have a home where kids can roam freely and eat a handful of Oreos and fall asleep.
