When licensed marriage and family therapist Audrey Schon’s twins were born, her son was deeply tongue-tied and her daughter suffered from hypoglycemia for a short period of time. She was determined to breastfeed, so I had to feed her 3 times every 3-4 hours for 24 hours. “I had to breastfeed, pump, and bottle-feed, which left me with little time for anything but sleep and eating, while I was recovering from a C-section and an allergic reaction to a medication that caused acute kidney failure for the first five days of my life,” she says.
“My husband worked in law enforcement, and when he returned to work, I took care of most of the baby and house duties with the help of other mothers,” she says. She remembers a moment when she was caring for one baby and the other was crying and she couldn’t soothe him.
“This was a special kind of hell. What I felt most acutely was the mental strain of just trying to keep two babies alive at the same time while providing for their most basic needs. Then trying to keep up with things like feeding, housework, and laundry was daunting and often unsuccessful,” she says.
The Northern California-based mother of two recalls a moment when she sat on her couch crying, wondering if she had ruined her life forever. Sometimes that sadness became a fire burning inside her, and the thought crossed her mind that she wanted to throw things at the TV just to watch it break. “The anger was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It felt like it was burning inside me, and my anger was accompanied by intrusive thoughts. I never felt in danger, but I knew it was a signal that something needed to change,” she says.
Relationship between postpartum depression and mental load
A 2024 study found that postpartum depression (PPD), a serious mental health condition that occurs within days of giving birth, has doubled over the past decade, from 9.4% to 19%. Although the increased incidence of PPD may reflect improved screening and diagnostic practices, this study highlights the importance of developing and implementing interventions to prevent this condition.
Mental strain is associated with PPD in many ways, including overwhelm and burnout. New mothers are often the primary caregivers and shoulder much of the emotional burden of ensuring everyone’s needs are met. This can lead to chronic stress and emotional exhaustion, which can increase your risk of PPD. Sometimes support is lacking. When a partner or family member doesn’t share the emotional burden, new moms can feel isolated, unappreciated, and resentful, which can worsen their depression.
“As a therapist, I understood what was going on, but understanding doesn’t make the situation better. It just makes it a little less scary,” Shane admits. She said she found a therapist who was also the mother of twins, which helped somewhat.
The biggest thing for Shane was letting go of his expectations for himself and not taking it personally and allowing others to be disappointed in it. She also stopped feeling guilty about things she was “supposed” to do but didn’t do. “That’s when I started speaking up. I spoke up about things that weren’t good. I asked for help even when I thought I couldn’t do it myself. When others minimized my pain, I pushed back with words like, ‘Enjoy the moment, you’ll miss me someday,'” she says.
“I made promises to myself, like going outside every day and showering by noon, and most days I kept those promises no matter what,” Shane says. Once she and her baby were stable and had developed good feeding habits, she had her grandmothers come over for a few hours three days a week on a predictable schedule and looked forward to the break. She started using that downtime to get out of the house and do something just for herself. In the end, they hired a house cleaning service.
Normalize load sharing, even through outsourcing
Similarly, Stephanie Fornaro said she hired support because her husband knew he needed it. “During my pregnancy, my husband tried to convince me to hire help to prepare for the birth of our son because he travels a lot for work, but I refused. I think refusing that support made my PPD even worse. The emotional strain of doing it all was overwhelming,” she says.
The Texas-based mother of two says she felt so many emotions in those early days. “I was overwhelmed. I was lonely. I was sad. I was resentful. I was angry.” But despite those feelings, she couldn’t get out of her own way.
Fornaro had put her career on hold during her pregnancy to focus solely on motherhood, but found that having no job to go to and having a home and a baby to eat, sleep and breathe was beyond her comprehension. Motherhood itself was difficult.
“I expected my husband to be there with our son, but his job didn’t allow for that. He suggested getting support, especially a nanny, but I declined until my pediatrician recommended it,” she recalls. “I had to hear it from my doctor before I accepted the idea. I heard it from my husband, and it went out of one ear and out the other.”
She felt that hiring a nanny meant she was outsourcing child care, but what she learned instead was that being able to meet the nanny’s needs actually gave her more room to be a better, more active mother and wife.
“It was really important for me to take a shower by myself, spend time with other adults, have lunch with friends, have some semblance of an identity outside of being a mother and a wife,” Fornaro admits.
When the mental burden becomes too much to bear, it is easy to become overwhelmed. It was important for Fornaro to have time for himself, as juggling household chores, relationships, and personal needs requires constant mental effort, often leaving little room for rest and relaxation. Without it, this constant mental strain could easily lead to fatigue, stress, and burnout. These are all signs of PPD.
What to do when you are stuck due to mental stress
Marissa Zwetow, LMF and founder of Postpartum Happiness, acknowledges that the overwhelming emotional load of motherhood and feelings of isolation and helplessness (e.g., “Why can’t I manage this myself?”) contribute to postpartum depression.
“It’s rarely talked about like that,” she says. “This new and broader way of understanding postnatal depression may help more mothers feel seen and accepted, and may also help prevent postnatal depression.”
Zwetou says her advice depends on what constitutes a mother’s mental burden. “If you worry a lot, you can examine and identify when your worries are irrational and unnecessary. Just identifying what kinds of worries are irrational and counterproductive can be a great start to reducing them. Can you ask your partner or family member for help to ease the mental burden of a never-ending to-do list?” she asks.
“What are children’s beliefs about being a ‘good’ mother that can add to their mental strain, such as always having to cook nutritious meals or having to spend a certain amount of time with the children? And what obstacles are those beliefs creating to finding time for themselves? Are children doing most of the work because they don’t trust others to do it for them?” she asks.
She encourages mothers to look at the costs of doing everything themselves and to try outsourcing child care and other tasks to fathers or others. “I remember one time when I was away, my husband left home with the baby to go see his parents. He left and forgot the diaper bag. And I had to take care of it myself, and I did. I went to the grocery store and bought diapers and wipes. And it was fine. No one died!” she recalls.
“I also remember a time when my husband was alone with a picky toddler. Instead of reminding him of his food preferences, I just let him go and trusted him to figure it out. I was so surprised when he said he tried peanut butter. If I had tried to remind him of his food preferences, that would never have happened.”
For her, the emotional strain of motherhood is trying to control her partner, even if he makes mistakes or does things differently, instead of trusting that he will handle it. That’s common. Please give your mother some rest. “I encourage mothers to trust their partners and take a step back to see if it’s all worth it,” advises Zwetow.
