As parents, we encourage you to take time away from your children, pursue hobbies and find your passion outside It means raising a family. That’s all well and good, but what happens when these “passion projects” start interfering with your daily life? Some of them are quite demanding. Long hours and long commitments (just ask the spouses of marathon runners!).
One therapist turned ADHD relationship coach (@mentalloadcoach) says that’s when things get tricky, especially when the partners in the relationship are picking up all the slack.
In her “highly unpopular” opinion, she argues that these types of hobbies and “passion projects” should not exist if they come at the expense of other people’s unpaid work.
“One partner is able to protect their creativity, their rest, their ambitions and their joy because the other partner is holding the system together, and that joy is heavily subsidized,” she explains. “It’s not about money, it’s about other people’s nervous systems.”
She says this kind of imbalance can actually have a negative impact on the health of the defaulting parent, and the parent begins to create what is called “emotional debt.”
“And that debt silently increases until the person carrying the mental burden is forced to quit, which sometimes happens through burnout, depression, anxiety, autoimmune issues, loss of sex drive, emotional withdrawal, quiet marriage termination, etc.,” she explains.
“And when children see all this happening, they internalize that joy belongs to those in power. Compassion is invisible. Self-sacrifice is love. And then they end up giving in too much or overtaking in relationships. A healthy family system doesn’t require someone to expand for the sake of someone else expanding.”
I think it’s anyone’s guess as to which gender generally over-distributes and over-distributes.
She expands on this theory in her caption, writing, “Partners who own luggage don’t have passion projects because they’re so busy with the day-to-day that they don’t even have time to think about anything beyond what’s necessary to maintain a household. Partners who don’t own luggage, on the other hand, have many passion projects, joyful adventures with friends, and a wealth of hobbies.”
“They have lots of opportunities to try and experience different leisure activities, while their partners are juggling things that are considered too ‘boring’. When that balance is disrupted, emotional debt increases, and those who carry emotional burdens don’t realize that their stress hormones are out of whack and they are more likely to develop autoimmune diseases than their unburdened partners.”
Several Instagram users commented on OP’s video, offering their own thoughts on the couple’s imbalance when it comes to hobbies and passion projects.
“Speak up to all the extreme marathon runners, extreme climbers, and their families. When you hear of yet another man running in the Sahara desert with two kids at home ,” one user wrote.
Another woman said, “His free time is pleasure and her free time is doing housework. The imbalance is a crime.”
“I’m 59 and I meet so many women who didn’t explore their creative side until they were in their 50s because 1. They just didn’t have the time, and 2. Hobbies were considered a ‘luxury’ and they felt selfish to do something that wasn’t of value to their families,” one user shared.
“Thinking about all the famous male writers whose work became famous because their wives dictated to them, transcribed their dirty handwriting into something easier for editors to read, edited the first draft, kept their children fed and clothed… and yet we never hear about their inner lives .”
Golf widow! Marathon couple! Women who married men who always wanted to be in a band! Are you listening?
