There are so many things that no one warned me about before I became a parent. To be honest, this is outrageous. Because as soon as you announce your pregnancy, everyone seems to be lining up to tell you about all the trials and tribulations you’ll soon face. And yet, I don’t remember a single soul who warned me that raising children turns you into an on-call driver.
As a kid in the ’90s, I watched too many movies where everyone rode buses to school or lived in idyllic towns and walked or biked everywhere they needed to go. Maybe that skewed my perspective. Because I never could have imagined that I would be here, literally spending hours every day dropping off my kids.
From band to theater to sports, kids today are more scheduled than ever before, and moms are often behind the wheel to get them to and from these extracurricular activities. This got me thinking: Has “helicopter parenting” evolved into “Uber parenting”? Are we constantly reciprocating instead of hovering?
Why parents are driving more than ever
I don’t remember riding in cars much as a kid, but we lived in a small town where we could walk to and from various activities. Additionally, as mothers of children living in busy cities, we needed a much shorter commute to get anywhere than we do now.
Amy Morin, psychotherapist, best-selling author, and host of the show, says: become mentally stronger Podcasts, it has a lot to do with cultural changes in attitudes towards children’s activities.
“In past generations, children were expected to go to social activities on their own: ride their bikes, stay after school, or have a friend’s parent drive them. Children participated in fewer activities, and parents didn’t plan their days around their children’s activities,” she says. “Many parents today have taken on the role of a concierge, planning their children’s schedules and making sure they get them everywhere on time.”
And while some families live close to schools and activities and can walk to them, parents often still choose to take their children in the car. “Many parents are nervous about taking their children for walks because of safety concerns,” explains Dr. Greg Gomez, LMFT, clinical director of Oasis Recovery. “That’s why they drive them.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Anne Welsh says several other factors are also at play. Like the fact that we are parenting in a post-corona era. During the pandemic, many activities stopped and we were hardly moving around. However, a major factor is how the social structure has changed. The economy doesn’t want us the way it did when our parents raised us. It’s reflected in our Uber parenting.
“As school budgets tighten, schools offer fewer activities and the need for transportation to school increases,” she says, noting that another major factor is compounding this: “more dual-income families.” Between that and the recent push to return to the office, many families have had to rely on parents who have more flexible schedules.
The price of being a family driver
Since I spend so much time carting my kids around, I’ve realized that I have to be more intentional about planning for myself. Experts agree that a natural side effect of being a family driver is that a significant portion of your “me time” is lost.
“Many parents struggle to have their own leisure activities because they end up spending so much time taking their kids to activities,” says Morin. “It also affects a parent’s ability to get things done. Waiting an hour outside of basketball practice means they can’t do chores at home. That means less time to take care of themselves and less time for leisure.”
As a result, you’ll feel like you’re not just wasting time. you are losing yourself.
Parenting expert Richard Ramos says, “The physical exhaustion is one thing, but the mental strain is another. Many parents, especially mothers, feel like they’ve lost themselves in the process of being the family driver. It’s easy to feel like your identity has been reduced to a provider rather than a parent or partner. This constant busyness can lead to resentment, burnout, and a feeling of disconnection from your own needs and goals.”
Tricky techniques of car combos
Obviously, it is impossible for family relationships not to be affected by the whole family getting into the car and driving around all the time. If you’re in the middle of it like I was, you know it can be stressful.
Maureen says: “As parents run from one activity to the next, stress levels are often high. You spend less time with your family naturally at home, but that’s where the real magic in building relationships happens. There’s less quality time spent together and more pressure to rush and get ready for one activity and the next.”
Or it could be a great opportunity for some uninterrupted one-on-one time. “In care, we can sometimes talk about difficult things and get a little more attention than we otherwise would,” Wales explains. “You can learn about their musical tastes by letting them control the stereo. You can also talk about what’s going on at school. Even the waiting room can be a place to play cards with younger kids.”
For Danielle Lindner, a parenting expert, educator, and mother of two, the days spent in the car with her kids are some of her favorite (albeit one of the busiest) parts of parenting.
“It was definitely tiring, but those were the times I had the kids all to myself. Those car rides, short or long, gave me the opportunity to engage an audience, ask them about their days, their lives, their dreams, and grab their attention for a few minutes to organize next week’s schedule without the distractions of friends, TV, phone calls, etc.”
She encourages parents to view this time through a positive lens. After all, she points out, “the first day most moms ask for their car keys, they think, ‘Why don’t I just give them a ride?'”
Combating Uber Parent Fatigue
Please repeat after me. It’s okay to set boundaries so you don’t get stuck in a cycle of driving and waiting, driving and waiting all week. “Most kids are overscheduled, so it’s healthy to set limits on the number of activities and how often they drive,” Morin reassures. “Kids need downtime too.”
Experts have shared some helpful hacks and tips on how to make the time you have to stay at home more manageable.
- “I’ve seen families helping their kids choose classes with friends for planned carpooling, or activities within a limited distance so they don’t have to spend as much time driving.” — Welsh
- “During the really busy extracurricular season, I just rotate through seven or eight easy dinner options.” — Welsh
- “I have learned to keep both my work and my cards on hand to make the most of my little moments…I have written many of my upcoming books. ambitious motherin the gymnastics waiting room while my youngest was taking his weekly class! — Welsh
- “Listening to podcasts or audiobooks while driving can satisfy some of your needs.” — Maureen
- “You can also look for opportunities to be a good example. Show your child how to deal with frustration when you’re stuck in traffic. Or show your child how to respond in a healthy way when you encounter an aggressive driver.” — Maureen
- “Use your car time as an opportunity to communicate. Ask open-ended questions, share stories, or even listen to an audiobook together.” — Ramos
There are a few things I found really helpful. I got a Regal Unlimited Pass so I could watch a movie during a very long wait, I used the time to do a little thrift shopping, I convinced a friend to meet me for dinner and drinks, and I brought workout clothes so I could walk the bridges and local trails.
This will also pass
The reality is this teeth our reality. We want our kids to have fun, so we sign them up and have them sign up for activities and extracurricular activities. We want their lives to be enriched. And although I’m now dog-tired and spend most nights in the car from 6pm to 10pm, I know this phase will be over before I know it.
“The ultimate goal as a parent is not to be a driver,” Ramos reminds us. “It’s about preparing children for life. In some cases, that means allowing them to decide their own schedules and responsibilities as they grow.”
So that’s what I try to hold on to during the endless send-offs. As exhausting as Uber parenting can be, it’s also one of the last times you’ll be able to ride shotgun in your kids’ daily lives.
