One thing about motherhood is that no one I was prepared for how complicated my friendships with my children would be. Every week they get a new best friend. They came home from school and said their old best friends were no more, but a few days later they were right as rain.
As the kids grow up (and get mean!), this situation gets even more confusing and they can become cliquey, excluding certain kids from hangouts, or inviting kids to hangouts just to be cruel to them. So when to intervene? When should I calm down and let my kids understand?
One mother, completely unsure of what to do after her 10-year-old son’s ex-friend showed no interest in him, turned to the Mamit subreddit for advice.
“My son was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and has a really hard time making friends with kids his age (10 years old). He is often what I would call ‘picky’ and can overstimulate a lot of kids (I get it with younger kids too). But I just get super hyper and yell. We are working on countermeasures. “My son is also very literal, surly, and doesn’t understand the social cues that could save his life (again),” she began. We are working hard on that).
She said her son had a classmate who seemed to be good friends with him. Her son calls this child his “best friend.”
So she asked her parents if they could get the boys together for a playdate.
After almost worrying she was being attacked by a ghost, her heart was “shattered” when she received an email back from the child’s father.
“I think the bottom line is that Billy doesn’t have the same feelings for my son. Dad has been trying to get Billy to agree to playdates, but in the end the son told dad that son had been rude to him, that he didn’t like the way his son was playing, and that he didn’t want him over so much. (And it should be noted that dad was very calm about all of this and was very kind as could be in this situation),” she explained.
Now she is asking for help on how to explain this to her son.
“I feel so sorry for him, and I know this is something we can work on. I have previously discussed the consequences of our actions with colleagues, and my heart breaks for him,” she concluded.
The most upvoted comment in this thread pointed out that she should be firm but gentle with her son and stick to the fact of how this other classmate is feeling.
“I tell him that the actions Billy described are upsetting to him, not in an angry way, but just as a matter of fact. ‘People don’t like you doing X, Y, and Z. As a result of you doing XY and Z, you can’t have a playdate,’ they wrote.”
“If your child is upset, comfort them, but don’t make excuses for their behavior or blame the other child. Make it clear that the problem is the behavior, not the child’s core problem. Try role-playing situations in which your child is being rude, and help them find alternative behaviors.”
Another student sympathized and said, “I’m so sorry. It really sucks. Is he in any kind of counseling? If not, can he meet with the school counselor (after break)? Maybe I can talk to them beforehand and explain this situation. Then they can help explain it to him in the best way. If he can’t see anyone until after break, I’ll probably try to hold off the conversation until then.”
Another user whose son had a similar experience also had some helpful suggestions.
“As we continue to work on improving social skills, there are really only three things to worry about while parenting.
- Please keep it safe
- please make them happy
- Be careful that they don’t grow into assholes.
Not everyone will be friends (despite their best efforts/intentions). Address behavioral issues. Then your best friend may appear. If not, that’s okay. Your son will make new friends and become more energetic. At that age, any friendship is unlikely to last. ”
Read the entire thread here.
