On our first date, my now-husband and I watched a show, ate pizza, and then walked around town for hours talking about our families, our hopes and dreams, our likes and dislikes. I felt like we could talk forever. It may sound cheesy, but those feelings didn’t go away even after we got married.
Then, you know how this goes, we had a child.
Even now, as we continue to talk endlessly, our “hopes and dreams” sound like this: I hope it’s not norovirus and I think K-Pop’s Demon Hunter is having nightmares.
In other words, we are still communicating. But we’re not exactly connected.
Do you know the Bechdel test? Created in the ’80s by cartoonist Alison Bechdel, the test requires two women to appear on screen together and talk about something other than men. This is a surprisingly high bar that many major films fail to meet.
What if similar tests were given to parents?
Enter the Brady Bunch Test. Can two parents be in the same room and talk for at least 60 seconds about anything other than kids or housework? (And it doesn’t matter who has a turn to unload the dishwasher.)
I decided to try it out with my own super science experiment.
brady bunch test
- interval: 3 days
- subject: me and my husband who knows nothing
- assignment: Can we talk for at least a minute uninterrupted about something unrelated to children or running a household?
The situation is as follows.
Day 1
Complete cleaning.
The morning is the usual chaos of cereal, backpacks, and shouting (both quiet internal and noisy external). After drop-off and pick-up, we sit at the kitchen table scrolling through our phones, inhaling caffeine and discussing our to-do list for the day. Things like laundry, camping registration, and how to get my son to sleep through the night (damn you soul-stealing devil).
We flirt a little at lunch about non-kid topics, but the conversation turns to the most boring topic known to parents everywhere. What should we make for dinner?
Then they go home, the mayhem continues, the conversation non-stop, all family-related (also So noisy). By the time the kids finally fall asleep, we collapse on the couch and stream the latest episode of the movie. the pitand go to sleep. If this were a real test, you wouldn’t even be eligible for partial credit.
2nd day
Also, not great.
I’ll be in town all day, so I won’t be able to take the Brady Bunch test until the evening. I fell asleep while putting my daughter to bed and stumbled downstairs to find my husband reading on the couch.
“How about a book?” I ask, gently guiding the adult conversation.
He gives me a quick overview of the plot, but I’m half asleep and more interested in secret agents sneaking into my bed than in sneaking into Spain. Technically, this may have been important. Realistically speaking, I would fail both of them.
3rd day
Miraculously, we both slept well, so we end up skipping the morning ritual of competing to see who is more tired. We work from home, and we like to stop by Croissant on the way home from pick-up and drop-off and start our day with a cup of coffee.
First, we discuss logistics, including what we’re going to make for dinner (of course). But then we start discussing recipes we saw online. One thing leads to another, and suddenly a conversation about mashed potatoes turns into a conversation about Portugal. It could be a past trip, a favorite city, or a place you’d like to return to someday. Would it be good to travel this summer?
Yes, travel planning does technically involve kids. But this conversation also us. There’s something nutritious about sneaking vegetables into your macaroni and cheese.
And interestingly, it sets the tone for the rest of the day. We talk about work while having lunch. After dinner, we exchange a little gossip. We’ll cover all the usual topics like kids, meals, and laundry, but you can also sneak in some real adult conversation.
success!
result
Parents everywhere realize that children bring about significant changes in relationships, especially over time. Life gets busy, relationships take a backseat, and couples end up spending most of their time working on each other’s behalf. So what’s the solution? “Make time to connect around things that aren’t child-related or work with your children,” says Melissa Divaris Thompson, a family therapist at LMFT. This may be easier said than done, but in my experience, even small changes can have a big impact.
Attachment Therapist Esin Pinari, LCSW; “Ask them what they’re worried about right now, what they’re looking forward to. It could be something they miss, something they’re proud of, or something that surprised them recently about life or themselves. These kinds of topics and questions can re-establish the feeling that you still know each other.”
Both therapists encourage couples to remain curious about each other and actually check in on the relationship itself. Before you get so used to putting these types of conversations aside that bringing it up feels foreign.
That’s probably what surprised me most about the Brady Bunch test. It’s not that I don’t do it. want But we’ve become so accustomed to filling the space with children’s chatter and logistics.
Of course, this test didn’t magically solve anything. We still spend a surprising amount of time talking about snacks (too much) and sleep (too little). But even if I just stole a few minutes of conversation that had nothing to do with kids, it reminded me that we are still two people who actually like talking to each other.
to be honest? That’s a win in my opinion.
Alexia Delner She is a mother of three, a writer, and an editor with bylines in PureWow, Women’s Health, SHAPE, and more. She writes about parenting, travel, health, life hacks, and surviving chaos. You can find her on Instagram @adellner.
