Ask Scary Mommy is a weekly advice column where Scary Mommy editors and guest editors (fellow moms just like you) answer your burning questions. You can send all your parenting, family, and relationship questions and conundrums to: askcarymommy@bdg.com (Don’t worry – you’ll remain anonymous!).
Dear Scary Mama
I’m in an unhappy marriage. But no matter how much I think about it, I don’t know if I should keep working on it, keep trying to see things from a different perspective, keep fighting to keep my family together, or keep suppressing my feelings. Not all couples have problems. How do I know if my couple has enough problems to start over? Am I being selfish? How good is good enough?
When do you really realize that your marriage is over?
— Will you stay or go?
Dear Stay or Go Guests
For me personally, the moment I knew divorce was the answer was the moment I knew my husband had stopped trying. I was ready to try everything, work hard and keep my vows. However, he told me that he only wanted to stay married for the sake of the children and respectability. But when he told me he didn’t love me anymore and was never going to touch me lovingly again, I knew divorce was the right choice for me.
When he said he wouldn’t do counseling, dating, or even talking about it, I thought: end.
But I also know that there are many other “correct” answers to this question. So we asked our readers to share their thoughts. And they said:
“When I started to realize that my relationship was having a negative impact on my children.”
“When it becomes harder to stay than to leave.”
“When I heard the idea, I felt relief instead of fear.”
“The same day of our anniversary dinner, they found a foreclosure notice and the water was turned off. He was a gambling addict.”
“He refused to stop cheating.”
“He made a friend ask if I was lying about my whereabouts.”
“He yelled at me for not paying him enough attention at a friend’s birthday party.”
“When he started acting like a 45-year-old hula boy.”
“I realized that I would not be able to live the next 30 years like I was then.”
“When I was having chest pains and he refused to take me to the hospital, I drove 45 minutes myself.”
“We had another fight, another quiet dinner, and my son said, ‘Well, this is fun.’ So I decided to leave for the sake of my child.”
“When I was next to him, I wanted to jump out of my skin.”
“At my best friend’s funeral, his cell phone rang after I asked him to leave it in the car.”
“I asked him to put on his seat belt and he yelled at me in front of the kids.”
“Every time he was gone, I felt like life was better. I realized that without him, I would be the OG me!”
“The thought of being alone with him made me nauseous and scared.”
“When I found out my husband had been having an affair for years and my sons knew before I did.”
“He had no problem taking his son’s Adderall.”
“When I saw another husband disrespecting and degrading his wife, I finally realized that I had been in the same position.”
“I stopped worrying or thinking about the future.”
“My daughter was put on fire once. I took her and left after two days.”
“When I left therapy, my ex-boyfriend said, ‘I thought it was all your fault.'”
“When I parked in front of my house and didn’t want to sit there.”
“When I realized I didn’t want my daughter to be treated the same way I was being treated.”
“When I had a child and my housework burden doubled, but he didn’t.”
“I realized how much my life with him affected my children. I wasn’t able to be the mother I should have been.”
“My house didn’t feel like home. I didn’t want to be there.”
“When I was basically a wife, my husband was like another child.”
“Once I got this small, I almost didn’t exist anymore.”
“When I found a gift receipt for his teenage girlfriend. He was 45 years old.”
“He’s been cheating on me for years and now he’s asking for an open relationship. That’s a big no!”
“The time he left me alone in the ER with my child because he couldn’t be bothered to come.”
“When he comes home, you pretend to be asleep, because pretending to be asleep is better than being with him.”
“When I stopped caring about what he said.”
“When I asked him if he still loved me, he hesitated.”
“When I thought about becoming a widow, I was left with a feeling of relief rather than sadness (my ex-husband is doing well, by the way).”
“When he said in public, ‘You didn’t do anything.'”
“Neither of us wanted to be held hostage in our relationship any longer. We both deserve so much more.”
“When I had my stroke, he told me to get over it.”
“When you feel completely isolated, both physically and emotionally.”
“I accepted that he was never going to change and I didn’t want to live like that.”
“If you can’t even hate them anymore, you’ll just be filled with apathy.”
“I thought about it every day.”
“When my son was six years old, I said, ‘Is this really mine?’
“I couldn’t buy him a birthday or anniversary card without feeling like a complete liar.”
“When he tried to touch me, my whole body stiffened and I stopped thinking.”
“When I didn’t have the energy left to solve things.”
“When you realize you’re worth more.”
“When ICK becomes permanent”
“When I was crying, he looked at me with a blank look on his face and asked me what I wanted for dinner.”
“The time I spent with him brought more pain than joy.”
“He ran out of the house once when I really needed help and found out I was all alone anyway.”
“When his girlfriend called.”
“When he blamed me for cheating and never took responsibility.”
“He came home at 6 a.m. and couldn’t get out of bed to go for a family photo shoot.”
As you can see, everyone has different limits, needs, and boundaries, and that’s okay. But I hope hearing other women’s stories will help you make your own decisions. Either way, I wish you the best.
— Scary Mom
Have a situation you don’t know how to solve? ask scary mom To get answers from my biological parents who were there.
If you can’t figure it out after reading this article, we’re not doctors or lawyers. Please do not interpret the above information as legal or medical advice. In that case, please consult a specialist.
