Ask Scary Mommy is a weekly advice column where Scary Mommy editors and guest editors (fellow moms just like you) answer your burning questions. You can send all your parenting, family, and relationship questions and conundrums to: askcarymommy@bdg.com (Don’t worry – you’ll remain anonymous!).
This week we’re talking about strong-willed children. You know, I respect you in many ways, but I want to bask in the sunshine on the most difficult parenting days. Literally: what are we to do with these infuriating but admirable stubborn monsters?
Dear Scary Mama
I have three children and I consider myself a pretty good parent. However, one of my children is “strong-willed” and I am in a bind. I don’t want to break her strong spirit, but it’s very tiring to keep fighting this girl! How do you raise a child when you can’t say anything to him or make him do anything? I feel like she is forcing me to be an overly permissive parent.
— Mother of a healthy child
Dear mother with a healthy child
Well, I can relate to this too. I also have a strong-willed daughter. Like you, I think it is extremely important to maintain her awe-inspiring strength and spirit. That will be a huge asset when she gets older. But at the same time, being on the receiving end of the fire hose of her stubbornness is completely exhausting. It’s all a discussion. When she really believes in something or wants to do something, nothing will make her give in. She’s like a #girlboss supervillain who’s a hotshot lawyer trapped inside the body of an 11-year-old. And I’m tired. And I feel helpless.
Naturally, I too needed some advice on this topic, so I asked Scary Mommy readers to give their two cents. And many of them were not only successful, but focused on some very similar strategies and ideas. Here’s what they had to say:
Always let them have their own opinion in a respectful manner. Never tell them what you think.
Please explain why this is done. Ask them questions and ask them to answer honestly.
Set boundaries and don’t cross them.
Think back to your childhood.
Please accept it. A strong willed personality will be required.
They have a great sense of humor and a great support network.
Remember, it’s not you. You are not the cause of this. They were born that way, so it’s not your fault.
If it won’t hurt them or anyone else, let them do it.
Always encourage them! Love their differences.
Play-based therapy actually teaches you how to set yourself up for success.
Pick your battles and win some. Combat will be greatly reduced.
It gives parents lots of caffeine and kids lots of consistency.
Buckle up and enjoy the wild ride.
Repeat this to yourself. “My job is not to add to their confusion, but to share my tranquility.”
Let them make some decisions.
Try your best to channel their energy into something positive like sports or the arts.
Keep your feet on the ground and breathe.
Allow them to be who they are and guide them when to express their strong will.
Always listen, but be assertive about what matters most.
How can I properly question authority?
If it doesn’t hurt anyone, let me explore!
Make sure you have plenty of wine on hand.
Always remind them of the good things they have.
When they have big emotions, check in with them.
Remember they are children. They’re not bad kids, they’re testing the limits.
Look for ways to say “yes.”
love them
I hope these nuggets of wisdom guide you in a better direction. And we hope it helps you strike a careful balance between letting your energetic child shine and making sure there are guardrails in the right places for them.
— Scary Mom
Have a situation you don’t know how to solve? ask scary mom To get answers from my biological parents who were there.
If you can’t figure it out after reading this article, we’re not doctors or lawyers. Please do not interpret the above information as legal or medical advice. In that case, please consult a specialist.
