I don’t consider myself a parenting expert. I don’t know all the latest statistics and research. I hadn’t read books to my kids when they were babies and was stressed and overwhelmed, so I decided to read them by feel. Things got much better because I paid attention to their cues and what my intuition was telling me. No one wants over-stressed parents anyway.
So I practiced that method during their teenage years as well. Of course it wasn’t perfect. I stumbled a lot, especially as a single mom. So while I can’t throw away my qualifications, I can share what I’ve learned as a mother of teenagers. And these aren’t just things that worked for me. I also asked my kids what worked for them growing up, so their side is here as well.
1. Nagging didn’t help. As always.
That urge is real, I get it. When we see teenagers doing or not doing something, it’s like putting nails on a chalkboard. It’s not like I never said anything, I always said it, just limit it. We hear someone say something to us for the first time, and so do our teens. Also, someone keeps telling you to tidy up your room so you let them do it? No. If someone kept telling you to finish your school work or not to be late for work, would you reinforce it? No, I stopped nagging and the kids faced and dealt with the consequences, both good and bad. We were all happier.
2. I let them live their lives the way they wanted.
My kids didn’t like school so they dropped out of college. They weren’t interested in sports or clubs either. It was important for all of them to find work because they wanted a car and freedom. This gave the children the space to figure out what they wanted to do with their time and life. I didn’t always know what was best for them. I knew what I wanted them to do and what I thought they should do, but they were completely different. They weren’t mini-me and didn’t want the same life as me, so I let them live their lives. My 22 year old son is making a lot of money doing a job he loves with no debt. At the age of 20, she obtained her esthetician qualification and is self-employed. My youngest graduated high school a year early and is traveling the world. That was all their responsibility. All I did was give them room to figure it all out.
3. There will come a time when they will want nothing to do with you. It’s really hard, but by giving them space, they were able to come back faster.
I was sad the days when they no longer wanted to hang out with me. My kids loved going hiking and going out for ice cream. We were really looking forward to our weekend trip. It was all over and I complained to them about it because I was really hurting and lonely. Then I stopped talking about it and started going out and doing those things with friends or by myself. I go get a double brownie sundae, eat it all myself, and spend the extra money I would have spent if they came over on getting my nails done afterwards. Slowly but surely they missed our dates and then came back.
4. I made a lot of mistakes and admitted them to my children.
My children have taught me a lot and I always listen to them. They said I was insecure and overprotective. People have told me that I seem to be constantly stressed, especially as a new single mom. They were right and I admitted it, apologized to them and told them I did my best at the time. I’m not here to defend myself against children. That was their experience and I’m not saying they were wrong.
5. It’s really hard to stay calm in stressful situations, but it’s always good for everyone.
This requires a lot of strength. I still have to work and the kids are barely home. But I’ve noticed that when I get really stressed or raise my voice, my kids block me. I do the same thing, so why should it be different for them? Once I started approaching very difficult conversations differently, the kids opened up more and it felt better for everyone.
6. They want space to figure things out on their own.
I used to succumb to the urge to give my children solutions to their myriad problems. It really bothered them. Now, if I need advice, I specifically ask for it. Otherwise, they just want me to listen.
7. I stopped micromanaging things.
They applied for jobs. They called their boss. If they had any problems at school, they had to go to one of the teachers. It was hard to let it go and sometimes it wanted me to do something, but it didn’t help at all.
8. I didn’t care how they dressed or what color their hair was.
This was one battle I wasn’t prepared to fight. It’s a waste. Kids know how to sneak their clothes into their bags, and they get their ears pierced and their hair dyed anyway. I also wanted my children to be confident and have their own style.
9. I didn’t steal anything and I didn’t leave their room.
Yes, it was my home. I think there are times when you need to do that as a parent. It was possible to miss some signs entirely, but there was no good reason to enter their room or look through their belongings. Because of this, they trusted me and came to me with experiences and questions they wouldn’t have had otherwise.
10. I never, under any circumstances, criticized my children, spoke ill of them, or spoke within earshot of my children.
Listen, we all need to vent. Being a parent to a teenager is not easy, it can test your patience, and you never know if you’ll be able to get out of a bad situation. But their brothers don’t need to hear that. Whichever is fine. I have other family and friends I can talk to. If any of my children hear me criticizing their brothers or sisters, they will lose faith in me. And that’s the last thing I want.
Raising teenagers is not about controlling every choice, but about building relationships. These are the hills I would die on.
katie She lives in Maine with her three children, two ducks, and a Goldendoodle. When I’m not writing, I’m reading, going to the gym, redecorating my house, or spending way too much money online.
