Since our daughters were born, we’ve had a pretty regular bedtime schedule. We’re not very strict – we stay out late or linger before bed – but with three daughters and a million responsibilities, my husband and I definitely need a “clock out” moment. We all need to stay in our rooms and spend the night so we can finish our shift completely relaxed. As they grew up, it became a little harder. There have been times when I have stayed up until 9:00 or 9:30 and had to change my expectations.
But one mom on Reddit wants to know if it costs absolutely nothing to just send her kids to their rooms at night anyway, even if they aren’t ready for bed.
The original poster (OP) asked on the subreddit /parenting, “Is it okay to send my child to their room around 7pm to spend some free time with them at night?” OP shared that her child is still a baby and she wonders what nighttime relaxation will be like as her child grows. “Is it possible to feed and shower my kids around 7pm, give them cell phones at night, and say they don’t have to go to bed, they can just hang out in their room, do their homework, read a book, play whatever they want, go to bed whenever they want, but it’s ‘parent time’ so they can only go to the bathroom or do important things?”
OP explained that this is how their own parents treated them as children, and that they and their siblings “never questioned it.” It was just the norm. “If I’m doing my best to accommodate everyone’s needs and wants, cooking and cleaning for everyone, and my partner is working all day and providing food, surely it’s okay to schedule times when your partner will leave you alone?” OP asked. “Is that okay? Is it cruel? Will it make me feel isolated?”
I vote yes. But the rest is really up to your child.
Even now that my daughters are grown, I continue to put them all to bed, including my 11-year-old daughter. We read books, sing songs, hug each other, and then we all go to bed together. School nights start around 8:30 and I leave my room at 9:00. My daughters can read and talk, and honestly, I can always hear them talking and reading stories even after 10 o’clock.
What I struggled with were weekends and school breaks. It feels “wrong” to put the kids to bed when they don’t have to go to school in the morning, but at the same time… they need a break.
And the general consensus on Reddit? Parents deserve alone time. What appears to be even more disagreement is whether the nightly “parent time” rule is the right way to go.
Many comments reminded OP that there’s nothing wrong with wanting (and needing) time to yourself. “I don’t necessarily label it as a negative thing for myself,” one commenter wrote. “Every human being needs what you’re trying to create, like time to be themselves and private time. Teaching children that it’s important to create a space where they can relax isn’t actually a negative thing.”
Of course, finding alone time may require some creativity.
“You have to find a way to carve out adult time. That’s totally fair. But how and when you spend it depends on your age. Be flexible and look for ways to carve out that time. Life changes and you need to change with it,” one commenter wrote.
However, many commenters also shared how disheartening it is to think of isolating their children on opposite sides of the house in order to get some alone time.
“I would be so sad if I grew up and wanted to spend every day with my parents, only to be relegated to my room for hours before bed. My mother died when I was 14 and my father died 10 years later, so all the time I spent with them is very important to me,” one commenter wrote.
“Every night? Even as a teenager?” another commenter asked. “In my opinion, it’s unfair that family members are separated into their own rooms and not allowed to be in the house they live in. I understand that you want time to yourself, but don’t you also want to spend quality time with your children?”
The reality is that most families probably fall somewhere in between.
We all know that parents need time alone to recharge. Most of us are keenly aware of how quickly the years pass. The issue isn’t deciding whether parents deserve a break (we think they do!). They are trying to figure out how to make time for their children without making them feel closed off from family life.
So while some commenters suggested that OP wake up before the kids if she needs alone time, others shared reminders that at some point, the kids are going to have their own lives…and you might want them to hang out in the living room with you.
