When I was a child, I thought my mother was tall. Really tall. She was slightly above average, 5’6 at her tallest. ”It turns out she wasn’t a particularly great person. I was just a kid. It’s like being surprised when you go back to elementary school. Was it always that small? When I was seven years old, it felt much more expansive. Recently, TikTok creator and parenting coach Gabrielle, aka “The Indomitable Black Man,” reminded parents about how our height affects our parenting without us even realizing it.
“Hey, let me change your perspective a little bit,” he began. “The average height of a 7-year-old child is about 4 feet. The average height of an adult male is about 5 feet 9 inches.” I’m 6 feet 9 inches tall, so…”
He pans the camera down to look up at his towering frame.
“Now, when I look down at you, you’re as big as your child is when they walk up to you. Now, imagine if I walked up to you.” angry. Your brain doesn’t think, “Am I in trouble?” “Am I safe?” you wonder. That’s exactly what happens in a child’s brain. Talking back, freezing, or shrinking back is not a sign of guilt or rebellion, but a mode of defense. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. And the louder, closer, and scarier we get, the more their survival brains will take over.
“So, instead, get down to their level,” he says and demonstrates. “Let’s keep boundaries with them so they don’t become a threat. Let’s work with them and regulate them. Let’s invite them to problem solve together and then practice better choices together.”
Commenters related to this advice, both as parents and former children…
“My father was 6’4” I knew “His height was intimidating, and he deliberately used it against us,” one person recalls.
“I have scared my kids when I get angry or upset,” admits another. “I have worked hard to change this situation.”
But many more people, perhaps most people, expressed how successful this approach was in getting their children to understand, or simply reverting to learned behavior. One person said they were able to set an example for their children and had positive results.
“I learned this from you and practiced it with my eldest son. And when my middle was scared to go to the dentist, my eldest got to her level and told her about her experience,” they shared. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
No parent is perfect, and raising one child cannot undo generations of past trauma. But small things can make a big difference. more It will become perfect over time.
