Becoming a mother means fully expecting it to change you. Basically, I know that once I become a mother, I will never be the same and the world will forever be a little different, for better or for worse. You know that your lifestyle, sleep, hobbies, everything is affected. But we are not yet ready for how those changes will occur. To be honest, some of the changes have been so subtle that I don’t even realize how much motherhood has sharpened or dulled certain parts of me.
Apparently, until your child is 4 years old.
Look, I’m not a scientist, but I’ve had three kids and talked to enough friends who have kids to know that this is one. thing. You’re in the thick of it for three to three-and-a-half years, excluding pregnancy, and then all of a sudden you remember who you are. You haven’t been lost all your life, and you haven’t been dealing with postpartum depression or dealing with difficult children or anything like that. It feels like it’s been a little inactive. It’s like you’re dormant in your own body, like you’re not functioning as your complete self.
And just like someone turns on a light, there you are.
I felt this full-throttle feeling last summer when my youngest just turned 3 and a half. I didn’t feel empty or empty until then (I also had two children, ages 6 and 10), but something had changed in me around that time. Suddenly I had more energy to do the things I wanted to do, the things I had talked about doing for years but never got around to doing. My hobbies seemed worth the effort and time, my daily chores became less strenuous, and I found it easier to say yes to almost anything my daughters asked.
Suddenly everything seemed brighter. And as someone who was already looking for the best part of every day, it was too rosy a glow. Every day I thought that I would hit rock bottom and feel less energetic the next day.
But the brilliance just continued to shine.
When I tell my friends about this, they all agree. With a child finally out of diapers, a child who can really sleep at night, and a child who can feed herself yogurt without destroying the kitchen, a mother can see herself again. Temper tantrums are less debilitating, naps can be skipped, and meals aren’t thrown on the floor. When the child approaches 4 years old, the whole family simply takes turns. And since I have 3 children, I think this theory only holds if the youngest reaches 4 years old, but once that happens, all bets are off. It’s like everyone in the house is making me the best possible person. Experts say it makes perfect sense.
Stephanie Langsam, a board-certified obstetrician-gynecologist at Main Line Health and mother of three, told Scary Mommy that she believes “recovery takes as long, if not longer, than it takes for a baby to grow in the first place.” The “fourth trimester” is a popular expression to describe the fuzzy newborn stage new moms go through, but three months is simply not enough time to feel 100% mentally and physically. Perhaps by then you are starting to feel “normal” again, but do you feel like your usual self? It may take quite some time.
“For many women, the only time they really feel like they can fully function as a human being again is three or four years after birth, when their child is more independent,” Ransom says.
And it can take three to four years to finally feel relief from postpartum anxiety.
“Postpartum anxiety documentation and treatment peaks six to eight weeks after delivery,” Ransom explains. “As we doctors have gotten better at recognizing drugs, and patients have become less stigmatized and more proactive about their health, more postpartum patients are starting to take drugs as well. Women may stay on drugs for a long time, which can shorten the time it takes to get back to normal.”
But she warns that without major changes, anxiety can continue to be prevalent – if you feel anxious or uncomfortable and are unable to live your life the way you want because of it, it’s unlikely to go away on its own. How many times have we tried to explain our sadness or racing thoughts to hormones, breastfeeding, or lack of sleep? I’m sure those things don’t make me feel very good, but I can’t always ignore my anxiety. Ransom says solutions such as medication and therapy may help mothers finally feel “normal” three to four years after giving birth.
Marissa Zwetow, LMFT, founder of Postpartum Happiness, tells Scary Mommy that the early years of motherhood are not only daunting due to all the changes, but also because mothers often feel that their baby is just as fragile and vulnerable at that moment. It’s hard to give yourself some breathing room when you’re afraid of how it will affect your baby. “As the baby gets older, the baby becomes less needy and more able to fend for itself, and I think the mother starts to feel comfortable leaving the baby with other caregivers,” says Zwetow.
She said that in her own journey as a mother, she felt that the “feelings of loss” could have been prevented or lessened if she had been more prepared with “realistic expectations” and had been more involved in raising her children. Motherhood has a lot packed into it from every angle: a village, social media feeds, and our own expectations, and it’s easy to see how we can feel completely overwhelmed, exhausted, and overstimulated.
That baby you were so worried about Bluey I eat an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich while reading a book on the couch. Until one day I wake up and my nervous system is normal and I no longer feel that overwhelming feeling of anxiety that hits my stomach like a Pop-Tart first thing in the morning. Until one day I wanted to go to Old Navy by myself and try on all the cute things my kids didn’t have to chase after.
Like magic.
